A date and a confrontation of self

…waiting in line to get a cup of coffee to go, on a Sunday afternoon. I kept a good attitude, light, grateful. We hadn’t planned our date. We never do. Therein lies out trouble.

we walked aimlessly, from establishment to establishment, just to move on empty handed. We have barely scraped the surface of reconnection lately. We have each other’s back, we are in this together. But connection is not a holiday meal, overly generous, abundant, stuffing. And rare.

It’s the daily cup of coffee. It’s the daily walk or exercise or the daily brushing of teeth. Mundane, small but essential.

My darling spouse is cool and interesting and funny in his unique sarcastic way. And it’s lovely to not have to make an effort in a relationship, and be seen fully and completely and be loved and delighted in. But as a favorite Romanian authors said recently in an article, I still value decorum, the small pleasantries, the kindness of words and actions. Complete unfiltered honesty is not necessarily kind or loving.

I stopped my tracks. Shutting down. Taking a seat on a bench. Then tears welding up in my eyes, quietly streaming on my black down jacket, making it shine in the sun. Eventually I trusted he was strong enough to hear my heart. To hear my perspective.

I discovered my independence of mind, of passions, abilities. I put them in action and I savored the confidence that comes from pursuing my gifts fulfilling my mind.

Driving the girls to school and doing my own thing in between the slew of appointments, separating myself from my family, after being joined at the hip with all of them for a year, or more, it felt freeing. I love coming back together and sharing life after having a life. And this time I made a conscious effort to discard any inkling of guilt or worry. I just went for it. And my voice got clearer, my mind got clearer. We are not meant to stay behind out of imaginary guilt, which in turn we will pass on to those who unbeknownst to them, appear to have caused our lack of living life. Be that the spouse or the kids. They all adapt. And my happiness overflows into the bucket of those who are also inspired to live their own life.

dear moms, dads, kids, be free of the guilt of living a life away from your family. It will make the coming together so much sweeter.

Kids need available parents, present parents, able parents. But not guilty worn out frustrated parents who give too much when it’s not necessary.

boundaries. I can’t think when I’m constantly interrupted. So I take time for myself.

curiosity and generosity. If we don’t have time apart, I’m mostly annoyed and overstimulated with information. I can practice curiosity even when misunderstandings happen, when we have spent some quality time apart. These are my two cents, in a very active season.

This crazy exhausting season feels oddly satisfying purposeful. It’s a season. Then I will embrace rest with gratitude when it comes back around.