“I want to go to school!” and “I want to do homework!” – I will quote this girl back at her in a few years.
Because her friends are going to school, she wants to go too. But not just that …she hit another stage of development and absorbing information. We have played all the games, and continue to progress though the rest of her books. The weather outside is dreadful, and for the most part we are stuck in the house. Our swimming pass expired 5 days ago and I can already tell the difference.
So today we went to inquire about signing her up for kindergarten in the center. She calls it school. I let her. We met the Principal who was very nice and very helpful. What a nice surprise on this dreadfully cold January day. Friday she will give us a tour of the other location up on the hill where they have more spots available. It is not as easily accessible if you don’t have a car, but for us it os even more convenient. More parking and somewhat closer. Staring midd February my girl will go learn a new of things from others than than us. These months have been sweet. We met Jaclyn 3 months ago exactly. She has been home full time almost two FULL months. She is a determined, stubborn, smart little girl. One of the things the foster parents used to do was create diversions when she didn’t want to do something, or she would cry. I catch her do that now. Even when crying that she wants something she can’t have or we can’t give her. She would distract herself from the sadness or disappointment in question. Two days ago after trying to take her first day nap at her grandparents, she came home very melancholic, tired really, and asking for her foster family. My parents are very lax with her, much like the foster father, who at the first sign of distress would give in her request. Now that I think of it, with our firmness and clear boundaries, I am surprised she was drawn to us so clearly from the beginnig.
I let her cry in my arms, looking out the window, I made room for Jackie to cry it all out. Rocked her and kissed her head, drawing it out, somewhat curious myself as to what exactly triggers her memory of the past whenever she spends time at my parents. The social worker said that this will be a mourning season, and to embrace it as such. She wanted to go back. It occurred to me that it is the first time she used that phrasing. I told her the foster family can’t have her back. It is no longer an option. And that my heart breaks that I can’t give her what she wants. Whenever she said she misses them, I told her we will visit in the Spring, but I bet that seems a lifetime away. Out of the blue she got distracted by the book next to the couch, a book that Conrad has been reading to me during her naps. I persisted after it got quiet and asked her if there is anything the makes her sad. And I constantly reassure that being sometimes sad is ok.
Today I was able to, all of a sudden, realize that this time is short and soon enough she will be swiped into the vortex of schooling and growing up.
She continues to ask us for a sister. Conrad is starting to talk seriously about adopting a sibling, boy or girl… It all seems like a dream, and yet it is really happening. We talk about careers, about moving back to US, California, about our not so long ago life, and how it is now nearly impossible. As a mom I realize that a career is “an easy way out” (Conrad’s words). Taking care of a child is more challenging (and valuable) than building a career. Kudos to all who can balance both elegantly. To all moms and dads out there: you are heroes!