“Are you going to therapy? Did you ever go to therapy?” Such an unexpected question!
I assumed the motivation behind the question was that we seem so well adjusted in our marriage, they’re thinking we’ve got profesional help. A different perspective, huh? On the other hand I assumed they are naturally at ease in this relatively new chapter of marriage.
We tell people we got married quite fast, and we know the conclusions people jump to are the most varied. Some think we got pregnant and we wanted to cover up our slip. Surprisingly, the churchy people are the ones who assume the worst. On the other hand, as we shared our story with a table of international students, I mentioned the boundary I set early on (our second/third date I brought it up as a matter of fact, just to clear the air about expectations) about not having sex before marriage. The students all exhaled in unison: this is why he proposed so fast. Because I withheld sex. Interesting perspective. Probably subconsciously valid.
In the same breath we also say we don’t recommend people getting married so fast. Not that it didn’t work out for us, because in the grand scheme of things, it was the best path forward for us at the time. Having just finished college, and making a decision about the new chapter, not delaying unnecessarily. Plus, Conrad wouldn’t have had money to visit Romania again, had he left as he originally planned.
The couple we met shared how surprisingly hard it was for them to adjust to married life. From a different reason. They were in their late 20s, early 30s. Established in their careers and personalities, they knew who they were and what they wanted from life. While in our early 20s, Conrad and I were a blank slate, ready to adapt to the other and grow together.
The conclusion from our two experiences is that marriage is hard, even with the best intentions, be that one marries in their early 20s or their early 30s. Having a solid family background and a healthy upbringing, well read & teachable, when the rubber hits the road, the selfishness or fears surface along with the exhaustion of routine. Serving wholeheartedly the other, fully engaged and awake to learn about the other, while sharing vulnerably about our own needs. Discovering what we like and what we don’t, what we need and what we don’t and being able to articulate all that and comunicate it in a loving and persuasive way while giving space & freedom to the other to grow and the same.
Love & respect. Love languages. Theory and practice. Song pf Solomon. Dismantling old beliefs that are more damaging than encouraging. And bringing to the table our sinful selves in need of grace.
I say marriage is an incredible gift, and I love being married now. But there have been times when I didn’t understand the hype and I wanted out because I was exhausted or felt misunderstood. And I didn’t love well and I didn’t feel loved well.
The first years we held on for dear life. It was depressing. Difficult. Painful. We grappled with a lot of issues. But I stepped into marriage confident that I ca make it, God and I, and I can take care of myself well enough to share enough of my strength with my husband. But eventually I started to lose faith. Not for long, but enough to feel crushed. Humbled. In desperate need of a Savior and a Helper one step at a time. Until the vista became clearer. Restful. The valley of death was now behind. And I was aware of our humanity and limitations.
So there is no recipe; marry early, marry late, date for a short time, date for years. I never doubted I was married to the right person. It was him or nobody else.
It is encouraging to share over meals the reality of hardship, and say us too. For different reasons probably. We didn’t go into details. But marriage is harder than people talk about. The first year at least, even when we go all in, wholeheartedly honest. But maybe for some who don’t struggle at first get complacent later on and struggle differently later. Who knows. There may be some lucky few who won the marriage lottery and because of their grateful attitude, serving heart, clarity of mind… they never tire, or stumble or doubt.
The rest of us struggle and some live to tell the tale.