When the kids were little the girls would ask me for certain things that I usually said yes, and they asked Conrad certain other things that he usually said yes to. I would put them to bed because I would stay longer and answer more questions. He would let them play on the iPad certain games.
He noticed after a while how they either already knew whom to ask or they would go to one, get a no, and then go ask the other parent without any shame, because if that parent was distracted, the answer would be yes.
I learned then from Conrad to follow up with this clarification: “what did dad/mom say?” It saved us a lot of tension when we abided by the first decision made by whichever parent was asked first, instead of changing as the wind blew.
By the time our eldest turned 12 we had it mastered. Really, it felt easy like a smooth boat ride on a calm river. But the rapids were just around the bend.
We see parenting the teenage years differently. We were different as teens and our parents treated us differently. I had a lot of trust built and respect aka fear of the Lord and of my parents. Conrad tested his limits more. He also made more stupid mistakes and, rightly so, he wants to protect Jackie in ways I don’t see necessary. I judge her from my perspective as a former teen girl. Conrad judges certain situations from the perspective of a former teen boy… and the curfew issue, and iPhone in the room, or past a certain time. Since she’s been chatting with this boy I would stay up and wait for her to finish texting, pray or talk with ivy, and take the phone outside her room. She still put it outside her room but the cut off texting time became self-imposed. Sometimes way late. And we’ve made so many exceptions that she even forgot this was a rule. At some point the phone shut down at 10. Sometimes earlier before the bf.
Two days ago Conrad took j’s phone away for 48 hours. His deadpan face, and few words made it even more chilling. It was right before lunch. He went to call j to the table and she was recording a video on her phone. Door closed. He has mentioned this rule before – no phone is the room with the door closed. He judges the situation from his own teen experience and tries to do better, be more helpful, though I had a different experience with less structure and less involvement from my parents. Some sharp lines were drawn and I didn’t even get close to those.
During lunch I brought up the consequence and he thought I will overrule his decision. Nope. That was not my intention. My intention was to discuss it so Jackie could hear him out.
When kids are little we repeat ourselves a lot, patiently, kindly, reminding them what the rules are. Or teaching them how to do certain things. And we don’t seem too tired to do so. As kids grow older we become more impatient. Some teens learn faster than others, some believe the consequences because parents follow through consistently, or they just accept boundaries easier.
I see two options: hard unexplained boundaries push kids to hide better or to be compliant. Jackie trusts us, and accepts boundaries up to a point when, if they seem absurd, she does what she wants. So pushing her into hiding actions and thoughts, and instigating simulated obedience and actual defiance is not safe.
When we don’t see eye to eye, I have two priorities: not undermine Conrad’s authority and gaining /maintaining our kids’ trust.
It is so good to rely on Conrad’s strength when kids push the boundaries, but at the same time have their ear when they are rebellious.
While the kids have a lot of opinions and can be strong willed and stubborn, one thing we never let fly in this house is disrespect. One can comunicate their opposed opinion, disagreement, frustration without offending anyone or without any tone of disrespect.