“She doesn’t seem to be interested in what I have to say.” Humans are self-centered and insecure. Some grow out of it. Most don’t.
Jackie was telling me how some adults don’t pay attention. I am sure that she has been spoilt for choice and has had many adults hang on every word and engage with her in incredible thought provoking discussion. Like her grandparents on both sides. The foster family. The social workers. Her teachers and classmates. She is a captivating concise funny speaker. But occasionally she notices the difference between some adults and the others.
And to truly grow and make wise choices, her broader experiences are the best teacher. Discomfort begets reflection.
When I was a teen and I didn’t need to impress anyone I discovered the joy of being myself without inner imposed pressure which for me is greater than any outward social pressure.
Going to the States for the first time and looking for a job I discovered the dissonance between my personality and the standard extroversion of Americans. And I was an outlier. In my detriment.
I had a trial day at a day camp and I spent time with primary school kids who needed a place to play sports and games and socialize during summer vacation, while their parents worked full time. I still remember this asian little girl trying to play tenis with me and not hitting the ball and being so self defeatist “I can’t seem to do anything right”. Her sad sulky comment sounded funny – I thought she was joking – but I think she struggled with self worth. I tried to encourage her but I felt just like her – out of place and so tired emotionally.
I was not the person for that job. I had no spunk and no exuberance compared to the other young adults working there. I envied them. I admired them. I was fascinated by their confidence and creative engagement of kids.
Fast forward a decade. I volunteered as a support staff for the junior high group of girls at church. Two years. They were 12-13 years old. And they talked so much. About boys, school work, fashion …and I felt like an alien. I count relate to anything they said. They lived in upperclass California – never wanting for anything, in huge mansions with poorhouses and pools and fancy cars. They had their own rooms. And yet… insecurity feels the same in every culture. The need to belong. To have friends. To have clear skin. To have loving parents. I listened a lot. Only once they hear a bit of my story and it was like SciFi for them. But I showed up. And their parents were so grateful. And the girls didn’t seem to mind us but they didn’t really click with me or my colleague.
I look back and I am grateful for that experience. Because I have come such long way. I can’t believe my daughter is at the age of the girls I mentored for this few years.
If I always struggled to say the right thing, or anything of note, let me tell you… I have all the answers now. No. Not really. But the relationship I have with my daughters is built on the awkwardness I experienced then. There was a time when I didn’t know what to say or what to do and I was utterly exhausted by them. Their incessant talking. I once drove a van of girls, these girls, to river camp, where we camped by the river and did songs and scores and went river rafting. And I guess by then I had built a closer relationship with them.
I think as adults we just need to commit an be willing. Be wiling to listen. To hear them out. To see them and voice our belief and encourage them. Not fake. But consistent and real.
Everything I do to engage my kids, and their little fiends, it works on adults too. Especially the more insecure adults. Smile. Ask open ended questions. Don’t be distracted by your phone. Affirm and engage. Be patient. Be yourself but not eager to show off or be admired by anyone. Be content to feel at home within yourself and that will translate in peace outwardly. Just saying.
Jackie still talk to me and I treasure our deep conversations. Ivy delights in every hugs and story and listens in our evening conversations. She has her own path and we have lots of one on one time.
I have come a long way. From introvert to leader and mom.