It’s a trap. A trap of the mind. I’ve been in this labyrinth for some time now, more than I wished to be, and I realize I haven’t figured out fully or clearly why I feel a certain way. Until I let go of wanting to grasp the knowledge. The understanding. To have it all make sense.
It’s a gut reaction. An instinct I guess, which I didn’t honor at the right time and then my clarity of mind got murky. I felt the need to step off the stage, away from the reflectors, to be incognito. It’s an absolute need for introverts to recharge – and that is such a luxury when you serve in different volunteering projects. People assume that if you were brave enough to step own the stage, be a public speaker at times and be successful at it, it is something they can assign to you at any moment because you seemed comfortable to do it. No. The reality is that stepping on any stage is a fraught with anxiety. My heart is pumping, sometimes I over prepare, and I feel like I have an overdose of nerve and anticipation. A bit of nerves before speaking in public is a good thing. It’s make you alert, it helps you stay engaged and connected. But my equilibrium is out of whack. And I overthink things and I stress more than the joy of overcoming stage fright and I don’t feel like I get anything out of it anymore. The audience just consumes.
Feeling trapped in a call to facilitate the Q&A for a mom conference, I felt like running away. It got this bad. Do I have a real option? What exactly don’t I trust in this team? That I am not alone, that people will hold on to their end of the bargain. That I can step away if I need to, without worrying that I let people down.
I think of the conference I have coming up at the end of there month. I’ll be part of a panel and I am not as uncomfortable there, even as I won’t know the audience fully or the topic is a lot more charged. But I’m excited about that one. And not this one. Have I outgrown the mom- centric topic?
There are topics I’m passionate about and they flow out of me without over preparing. And I feel the audience engaged and interested and willing.
There are things in this international group I don’t resonate with. The americanisms – fun, energetic, goofy, I can’t be the connecting voice. I thrived there because I balanced them by being thoughtful and leveled and introvert. I thrived because I was different. If the expectation here is that I have the american experience – then sorry to disappoint.
I have a real option to step away. I can say no. I have a rest in sight. I don’t need to stretch in every area and I want to be recovering from the heartache of feeling so pulled in every direction and unsupported. Do a degree I believe my family life and lack of support in the day to day makes me cringe at the reliance of others on me. I can’t save every situation.