I remembered, I felt how powerful a positive word spoken clearly in my mind can be.
When have I stopped doing that? Why?
I have lived in a fog. Dense. Sticky with sadness, tiredness. Then after clearing the film of silence off the top
I could breath again
And hear
I listened to barely whispered questions
And received an answer.
Not one I wanted or expected.
I can’t convene with my Father about what to do
Because I went ahead and did what I thought best and never asked his input
I never waited for his answer.
I thought I will hear as I start working
Maybe that was all I could do then
But if I chose unwisely
Backtracking was a bear
I said a few words of encouragement to my own heart
Then I prayed over my kids
Quietly. Like I used to do a lot
Like I haven’t done in months.
Then i felt again light and free
Parenting is not to be done alone
With our own wisdom and strength
Our own patience and love
All is a gift
That we pass on
Oh, how have I forgotten to pray without ceasing?
I resented parenting
After years of grace and miracles and connection and healing
I dreaded the giving endlessly and the teaching falling on ignorant ears
After years of not minding the slow pace to show them the world
Of soothing aches and fevers
Of putting to bed and reading hundreds of stories.
No. That was not the hard part of parenting.
The defiance and poor judgement
The quarreling and the school drama
The aches of budding friendships
Justifying our decisions
Always bringing them on board
Protecting while giving them a bit of freedom
To learn to walk on their own
Parenting a nearly teen is a fascinating process
I am who I am
And she is who she is becoming.
I try to meet her where she is
Even when she pushes me away
It’s hard to stay put and be available
Without rejecting I walk away to give space and remind her I am my own person and I’ve been for a long time before she was born. That is so easy to forget for our kids
And I will be my own person long after she flies them nest
I am here for a while
On Loan to guide her
With boundaries and kindness
With firmness and love