The women in my family have a 6th sense. We feel and recognize the dangerous situations and sketchy people.
My grandmother used to offer little warnings while keeping her safe serene smile. Men were predatory since before her time. My mother was so relieved to have found a community of believers when she was 18. She still says it was a relief to not have to go to dances in the village which was a national pass time. Especially on Sunday and holidays. I remember reading about “hora” Romanian dances in the novels I read for school. We all need to socialize. Those dances were ripe for picking innocent girls as a predator, under the pretense of socializing.
My youth experience was different. I was curious about Disco. But it felt like a lurking dark smoky noisy context where one feels everything except safe. Fun, wild, loose, and everything is muddled.
I kept away. Mainly because I didn’t have close friends in the outside world. My church friends were as innocent as me. But in the broader world, I never thought I was pretty and I could easily hide under my furrowed brow if I didn’t want attention. As a kid my mom called me grumpy. Because I was.
I look now at my eldest daughter. She disappears in public. Doesn’t want to show her true self, her delightful humor, her joy and beautiful smile. She keeps many people at a distance. My friends recognize her from my early posts and she doesn’t appreciate being known by people she doesn’t know.
She answers monosyllabic and until today I encouraged her to be kind and friendly to our friends. But I’m reconsidering it now. She has an instinct of self-protection. And being nice to strangers is not required in my family of origin and now I think it’s fine to encourage her, without apology, to listen to her instinct.
Teenagers are on a quest to discover who they are. The pressure to put on a nice face in the process is not necessary. I made an effort to learn to be kind and friendly as gift to others. I did not need to be liked. I did not need to earn any points or favors. Not needing approval from others is powerful. Finding one’s own inner drive for kindness is key.