It matters how we are perceived in our social contexts, but it matters even more that we understand ourselves, that we know ourselves. I guess the sweet spot is integrating what we know of ourselves with how others see us. 

This therapist was discussing with a young girl, who struggled deeply with depression, about her day. The girl was trying to catch the attention of a boy she liked. All standard teenage stuff so far. But when asked what she likes about the boy, she couldn’t answer. She was caught in the cycle of presenting herself as desirable and drawing his attention but she didn’t think much about what she liked about him. She was caught in the web of the selfie culture. Focused so much on how she is seen, she did not know who she was, what she liked which would have helped her define what she was looking for in others. The introvert in me can relate to the fact that I didn’t pursue friends. Friends found me. I was happy by myself. Up to one point. It may seem selfish to discern and state what YOU like about yourself and others and filter out friendships, but it is the safe and healthy course of action. As a woman, we are more prone to being pursued and chosen versus making our own choices. But choices we must make. If we want to be safe and get anywhere. 

Integrating what we know of ourselves, and what others see, with what we see and know about others… the practice of discernment needs to be steadily  encouraged.