The guests have gone. The house is quiet and clean. We celebrated Jackie’s sixth birthday with just a handful of friends. It was so good. Downsizing can be daunting. Because I have an issue with inadvertently excluding anyone. I go out of my way to put people at ease, though I’m not a people pleaser. I never was. But as it turns out, one has nothing to do with the other, in essence.
Last year we invited a large group of friends to celebrate Jackie’s fifth birthday in the park with us. It was a different kind of special and fun. I remember longing after Jackie’s sister then. We had hoped she would be with us by then. I can’t believe it’s been a year since we swallowed our pain of longing and smiled through tears.
I have this alienating feeling that nobody really understands. How could anyone put themselves in our shoes? It takes some courage and imagination. But it’s a futile exercise for most.
I have wrestled with God on this matter of adoption. A lot. My heart is honest. My commitment is true. And I have nothing to hide. It didn’t bother me so much when people made assumptions about our abilities or commitment. As I had concluded a long time ago, I love it when people underestimate me. But when it’s used as an excuse for an excruciating delay, I can’t swallow it. We don’t know how hard it will be. What reason would someone have to delay the processing of our case? Our impatience might be misconstrued.
It appears to me that nobody really listens nor do they make an effort to confront the delay. We are such an inconvenience. Being a nuisance is infuriating. It is a painful season, in ways I can’t quite describe.
King David’s Psalms, and his melodramatic descriptions, the utter desperation… they are very eloquent and full of empathy to me. They described, better yet they verbalized my intense ache as a young teenager, though I was never surrounded by death and crushed by enemies, sometimes the spiritual war was just as intense. But I had my refuge. I had my outlet. My growing faith. Maybe it was then I fell in love with poetry and the power of words. Reading the Psalms, the Bible.
Pulled in many directions, I have lost my clarity. What spiritual battles must have been fought unseen. Waiting aimlessly seemed not just futile but foolish.
I reached out Thursday via email and I called on Friday. And nothing.
Patience, silence, and a lack of answers were my dish served cold this past year and a half.
“Be still and know that I am God.” Every night, trying to regain my balance, I read the Bible with thirst. Like the old days. The message I kept reading between the lines was trusting in the Lord. Resting in His mighty wisdom. Letting Him lead the way. Rejoicing in His care as He comes through undoubtedly, even when we don’t see it yet, even before the sunrise, when it’s the darkest, coldest, and most daunting. Trust in the Lord.
Frankly, I was ready to shake things up a bit. Asking legal and pertinent questions. With complete disregard for my safety or potential repercussions. I treaded as lightly as I could given the circumstances.
I got so spent emotionally, that one night I let go and said: “God, it’s on you! You finish up what needs to finish up. I’m done persuading, fretting, looking for ways to peak into the hidden truth.” I knocked at this door, and that door, and this door again and pleaded with a clear crisp voice while I was turned away with sweet appeasements.
The weekend has passed. I waited. Subconsciously holding my breath. My inconvenient impatience needed just an honest word of acknowledgement. Shedding a little bit of light on the mystery. I sent one last note of inquiry and my long awaited answer came. The file has moved. Three more months until we meet this long awaited child. The news comes with the bitter taste of rebuke. How dare I question their work… this saddens me beyond words. It may be justified. I don’t know the circumstances and pressure under which they work.
I was saddened mainly because I fell asleep at dawn. I didn’t listen: Patience! …just a little longer. But would they have come forth with an update in the near future or let us stew in darkness for another three months…
I don’t know how the future will unfold. Asking questions may have burnt bridges. But it goes both ways. The trust. The cooperation. My heart is bruised but willing. Always willing.
It may appear that we are at the mercy of people and systems, but we are all at the mercy of God. A gracious, loving and forgiving God. A generous God. Almighty and powerful. My Father.