It’s like we never left, but then I remember the richness and life we lived in 2015. I left Cluj with mixed feelings …home is there now. But I needed so much to take a break from it all.
Romania is wonderful and humbling and it leaves me with a feeling that I owe, or it’s expected of me, more than I have or I can give. And I wonder how much of it is my cultural past, rooted right there. This feeling has hunted me at times, but it’s more acute there.
As I told two of my girlfriends, California is a la-la-land of politeness, cheer and people minding their own business, at least towards me, the eternal guest, welcomed foreigner and new member of the family, and this is just what I needed now. Our phones don’t have an active number, so nobody can call. And I love it. We wake up around 6 AM, and we can navigate mom and dad’s home with our eyes closed, while fitting right in.
Dad loves to take pictures of the whole family together. I second that. So not 24h since our landing, we cooked together and spent the day playing, talking, catching up, laughing and entering my nephews’ world. We are not perfect, but we enter this family dynamic with reverence and patience, and because life is not about any one person in particular (except Jesus especially this season), and nobody is self absorbed (not even the 2 year old), everyone finds a rhythm and there is true joy.
On the other hand, there is another reality I am familiar with: “We have absurd expectation of people around us. We carry around old hurts and hold on to grudges. We want to fix our friends and family because we know better and we do this because we love them, and they need to learn. I have seen this over and over in my old church and extended family. And it make my blood boil just thinking about it. We hurt others the most when we justify ourselves with good intentions.” I am happy for anyone who doesn’t understand this.
The Sunday before flying over to California I went to church with my parents. As we sat there, during the improvised but lovely children’s program and the prayer time, I realized that nobody makes room for the ugly side of the story and the pain. We brush it over, maybe we acknowledge it but then we move fast to happier thoughts and celebration.
Christmas does’t take away the pain, sadness and loneliness that many people feel. And being aware of the blessing and the true gift of this holiday does not exclude the reality of our present. There is room for non-festive feelings, dear friends. There is room for a tight-heart and there is room for silence. May Christ meet you where you are.