Two years

Two years since we started exploring adoption again
Preparing Jackie,
Observing her disposition and openness.

Again, Conrad was ready first. Decisive.
I stood my ground in prayer:
To keep my mind and heart open
To be patient and strong
To walk the bureaucratic steps
To put my trust in God
And to adapt to the new rhythm.

We didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into
That our wait
Will be longer and more painful
Than anything else we endured during the first adoption.

When we decided to adopt again
Jackie was 4.
She is now 6.

For two years we’ve been praying for her sister
That God would protect her
And bring her home as soon as possible.
We prayed that her transition would be easy
And that God would grant us patience and strength
To adapt easily to each other.

Jackie prays for this often.
Just as she hears us do.

I tell her it’s going to be hard as well.
For her and for us
Especially at first.
But it will be worth it.
And our love doesn’t split in halves
Instead it doubles.

Much has changed meanwhile…
Her teeth, the school, her hight and shoe size.
Yet our determination to adopt again did not waver.

Yesterday Jackie spent the night at her grandparents
And told them to keep praying for her sister.

2019 was a hard year
Filled with exciting adventures
But had one large empty whole in it.

How can you wait holding your breath
For a sign
For a piece of good news…
How can you put your life on hold
When life is happening still.

I am tired of justifying my optimism
Or my determination
To some strangers
To whom we’ve already proven
Our resources …spiritual, emotional, physical.

We did not forget. We didn’t forget it will also be hard.
I know though that every story is different.
And every life is worth fighting for.

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.” (Matt17)