Someone pointed out the unfairness in the order of some events in our lives. 

I refuse to believe that the good is balanced out by some bad. Good is good and bad has it’s place in this broken world. 

When we finally met our second daughter the pandemic hit and we had to wait a few more months to bring her home, while maintaining the attachment formed in those first few weeks. We felt helpless and so exhausted emotionally with no rest in sight. Even in hindsight, I don’t see an alternative path to our journey. We had to go through the darkest of the woods. 

Finally Ivy came home and Jackie was diagnosed with scoliosis. Maybe it was her body’s reaction to the stress and tension and change. 

We spent a year in the small apartment, bonding, growing, doing online schooling, surviving another year of pandemic. 

We bought a house, we finished and furnished a house and moved. A few months later Conrad got diagnosed with cancer. The extra space in this house allows for room to breath, to rest and to come together willingly and share life. 

It has been now two months since the diagnostic. We’ve gone through surgery and we made a clearer separation of responsibilities. I have made a conscious decision to let go of everything I can’t control and I have never experienced such freedom in my life. Something clicked that forced my grip to loosen, and to give it all to God. Especially my control. I got to embrace strength and be bold and clear. 

Now after over a month of serenity, I am getting a sense of cyclicality of life. But I don’t want to go back to stress. I don’t want to go back to trying to manage the emotions of my family. I can only be responsible for the way I respond to the events in my life. All others are responsible for their own feelings and reactions.  

It is a terrible place to be, in fear, burdened by the worries of this world. I observe people around me cuddling with their most crushing burdens. As a kid I have listen to a lot of cheesy poetry. But the message was pure. Laying down our burdens, at the foot of the cross, giving it all to Jesus, he wants to take our sin, our fear, and give us peace in return. The Peace that surpasses all understanding. I have functioned under the impression that at least my immediate family is aware of this same truth and the only problem is our habitual tendency to hold on to worry thinking it would make a difference inner productivity. But the essence of Truth is something that can get muddy. Murky. We forget what we believe and we can so easily get lost if we turn our eyes away from Jesus. We live in complete dependency on God. We seek His word, we search his Heart and Will for us. We can’t do it on our own. Ever. Dependency on Him in full awareness of it, is the best place to be in. 

“God gives and takes away. My heart chooses to say: *Lord, blessed be Your name!”

I started styling the book of Ruth. A word to ponder this week is: “why am I if I would be stripped of everything that currently defines me?” Name, home, career, family (parents, spouse, children), abilities, country… Like job, like Naomi. This life is fleeting. Laying it out for God’s glory is the only thing that remains when we lose everything.