I was holding ivy’s hands, caressing her arm. And holding Jackie’s foot, rubbing it. It was a great day. They spent some time with the grandparents while I went to vote and then shop for a duvet cover for ivy. And we also got a large crockpot for the apple sauce we keep making in bulk. Delicious by the way. 

I read them a full funny book of rhymes about animals. They both giggled and wiggled. And contributed. They were quiet when I lowered my voice to whisker read. They laughed and seemed to love every minute of our evening together. But by the time the lights are out, I am Spent.

And they still push. Push those boundaries. With their neediness, their demands, their wants. 

I want to run out of the room. But I stay. Because ivy pleads with me. I do t always have it in me. But tonight I stay. Again. 

Jackie wrestle in bed, until she finds her spot. Ivy whistles with rough her nose, making snaking sounds with her lips. They both yawn with the voice, and then turn the other side, the thousand time.

I bite my tongue. I pray I can make it through the evening without losing my temper. They want me there, to wait with them to fall asleep, but they make all the annoying sounds a person can make. Together. They find things to complain about. As if my purpose in life is to find excuses for everything that doesn’t suit them. I pray. I pray for them and i pray for my parenting. That I wouldn’t lose my mind or my temper during these trying times. I know they do t do it on purpose. But they sure push buttons. All the buttons. When they are tired, hungry, overstimulated. And I take it all in, ne transform it, and helps them process and understand life. 

Tonight I made it. I prayed for dear life. And we all made it. I wrote this with mint tea in my hand. Grateful.