My own emotions
Out of my control.
The emotions are not to be fabricated
But observed,
Processed and embraced.
I want to feel brave and kind and generous
I want to serve with endless energy
But I am a limited human.
And that is ok.
After a few weeks of unhealthy air
There was a fog of pollution
And heavy still air
Finally the wind picked up
The currents started moving
The rain poured and rinsed the soot
It’s mid march.
I have woken up from my slumber
My discouragement and depression
I have felt used and yet unseen
Always doing thing for others
Forgetting who I am and what I like
It was my birthday and I couldn’t even enjoy a celebration
A zombie at heart
Numb and tired and ready to quit.
But quit what?
When the kids chew on my patience
I say with a leveled voice what needs to be said
Not wasting words
And then moving along.
I was a bit disconnected to be honest
How else can one transition from frustration to effective parenting
If not through a bit of numbing of my words
I wonder how they have perceived my presence
My body here but my mind checked out
I know it is not fair to blame anything on the kids
They didn’t make me exhausted or frustrated
I got myself into that place through certain circumstances
involving the kids
But their daily needs are legitimate
My management of resources at hand was lacking
Delegating and empowering needs a bit of refocus
I have power and that makes me uncomfortable
But I must assume what I have been given
And lean into it and embrace it in kindness
The word of the day I have for Jackie is proactive
In doing things early when she has energy not when it’s too late in the day and she has no more strength of will
I will not let my kids dictate how I feel
To annoy me or let them run the show
That’s not the natural order of things
Their opinion matters but my sanity is directly linked to their well being
Now and decades from now on.
Let this fog lift and let me reset and refocus
Be present and discover the joy of connection with others.