I have danced an exhausting routine of words
Wisdom imparted
Correction and gentle nudging
We have prayed and I have preached
I always had an answer and an explanation
Reading between the lines to what the question actually was
And kept one step ahead
Anticipating needs knowing intuitively what they need
As I knew what they already knew themselves.
Until one Sunday disagreement with my eldest.
We had guests the previous days and weeks.
I was tired. I was exhausted.
I had no patience for cranky preteen attitude
Always negotiating, pushing a bit more
Asking why with a sulk
I shut down.
I completely shut down.
Every question that came my way
I knew I had already answered with all the words before
The explanations stopped in my throat
Bitter taste. Why do I keep repeating the same answers?
It is high time I let the previous explanations sink in
Let them reflect in context
Think of what I already answered
I know questions are a bid for connection
But every inch of myself is sensitive to touch
The repetitive question are like pinches in sore spots
After always being at the ready
with encouragement and appeasement and answers
My silence must feel eerie.
But I can’t muster any more
So I retreat in quiet contemplation.
Probably it would have been easier for them if I wasn’t at home
ghostly and silent mustering a mona-lisa smile from time to time
My husband who usually struggles with seasonal depression
Who has allergies and headaches and a general grumpy mood
Tired of kids nonsense and little friends coming over to work on projects
Tired of noises and bang and jumps and big laughter
The silent sulky one in the family
All of a sudden became amiable and patient and stepped up.
He read stories, he played, he tickled and did all the talking
The girls took the responsibilities list I printed
and for the first time in a decade
they did their chores without reminding
Went to the bathroom before coming down
Made their beds
Cleaned their room for real at the end of the day.
It took me taking a turn for the worse to shape up.
I felt like I could see so clearly everything but through a glass.
I could judge everything but could feel the element.
I was detached.
The danger was to loose my patience completely and snap
I chose numbness and numbness enveloped me for days.
I said everything there was to say.
I imparted all my wisdom. I have no more words.
This poem is a nice surprise. Written 5 years after meeting our youngest.
After a day in town of restaurant food and library reading
Of less complaining from our eldest and a smooth evening of reading many different books.
I don’t think im ready to go back to how things were.
Maybe I don’t even need to.
I don’t want to be a punching bag
Even though it is said that kids feel most comfortable
when they express them out unpleasant attitudes towards a parent
I want to be loved with care and grace
With respect and self-awareness
Not just be the dump site for all the furry and disappointment
Letting them do that to me is not love
It teaches them that treating your loved one like crap
And the parent taking it like a champ is love
This is my border
And I may bluff
But I have given it my all
And if all I get in return is crap then: no, thank you.
Obedience respect house rules
Discipline and hard work
These are not offensive or hurtful
These are basic family life needs to thrive.