What motivates someone to take responsibility for a life, for another human being? Moving to Romania we simplified our lives greatly. We live a frugal life, though we managed to travel quite a bit on a budget. We are self-sufficient and make it work. But there are so many unforeseen costs associated with having a child, from the daily bread, clothing, schooling, health, to unexpected large expenses. The bible verse that came to mind this morning is from Mathew 6: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal… If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
And in the next few weeks I’ll continue processing some of the reminders of truth I got to read in the “Twenty things adopted children wish their adoptive parents would know.” (I am honestly impressed with the Romanian Adoption and Social Services Department for giving future adoptive parents this book) The first reminder that hit me was the fact that, no matter how wonderful the new adoptive family situation is, that child has suffered a great loss. The loss of his/her birth mother. And sweeping this pain under the rug, covering it us with the child’s wonderful new life won’t make the pain of the loss go away. It also talks about meeting the child’s loss with our own pain and loss. And I thought to myself that I have dealt with it, it’s long gone and scarred. I have embraced my new direction, this journey. But waiting to get pregnant months in a row, every period was heartbreaking. It felt like a miscarriage, though it wasn’t. Then waiting in the very elegant hospital in Campbell California, for Conrad to be prepped for surgery, then saying goodbye as he went under, waiting for 5 hours, mom knitting and me reading a CS Lewis book, I kept thinking to myself “This is not right” I was supposed to be in that room of the hospital, giving birth to a child, not having the hope of conceiving be taken away, coupled with the danger of loosing my best friend. The game was not about betting on gaining more, but a game of not loosing what we had.
I wrote a letter to our future adopted child two years ago, just as I started this blog.
I think of all the wonderful great things that came about from disfunction and imperfection. Being back in Romania I realize that more than half of who I am was a choice to not be like my parents or like the society from which I emerged. So there is hope, to go against the grain. It is definitely easy to build on dos and not don’ts. To go with the grain sometimes.
Anger: repressed, condemned, stuffed down. If we are honest with ourselves, we have all felt it but were too afraid to acknowledge or deal with it in a healthy manner. Studying alone in College the book of Job, when I felt a deep sense of betrayal and loss, that it was a turning point in my life. I pray God will give me strength to help my child deal with it. Acknowledge and process it, without persisting in dramatic unhelpful, unhealthy behavior.
I realize that there is a world of adopted children out there and I have been completely oblivious to their world, lives, needs, tendencies, reality. They have been next door everywhere i lived. And I think that now, preparing to enter this new world of challenge and joy, our lives will be enriched, and we will change the world, one life at the time, one bedtime story at a time, one hug, one hold, one kiss, and one look in their eyes, full of joy, grief or belief, at a time.
Belief is after all one of my strongest suits, as I discovered and strengthen while working many years at my favorite job with the most wonderful people.