This may have helped my daughter overcome incredible emotional and spiritual, social and intelectual hurdles. I lent her my strength without guardrails, without holding back. I actually let power pass through me – it was not my own power given to her.
I have felt powerless at times, trying to help her and her hardening her heart to me, but as I paced around her thick walls, I eventually saw the cracks, the way in. And because I didn’t go to take or to rattle, she let me in. I have found purpose and delight and encouragement while watching her become. And she is pretty incredible. Extraordinary in every sense. Kind and brave and clearheaded. Stubborn to a fault and not easily swayed.
For the last two months she has explored a new area of her heart – the first romantic interest and it was reciprocated by the boy who is in 7th grade and rather mature for his age. But still a boy. And she is stil a girl. 6th grade. I remeber so well that age.
I sense when she is happy or sad, I read between the lines but she also feels comfortable to tell me most things. She trusts me and I hope and pray I don’t make a mistake of losing her trust by overstepping my boundaries.
As she was pursued by this boy I felt it in my stomach. But it wasn’t about him. It was about her. Her thrill and excitement. Her delight in being seen and trusted and pursued.
When he gets a little jealous or stressed or flighty – she handles is with such grace. Undeserved. I mean, there is a time to extend grace and a time to be upset and confront behavior that bothers her. He sometimes says he is joking but he plays silly tricks on her like calling her out to meet and he is not there. What is up with that? She called him out on it, even though she didn’t fall for it the last two times. She told him she hates it. Just like when he avoids answering a difficult question by sending her 20 car stickers filling her message board.
As we chat till late in the night, I tell her that kindness is not negotiable. You don’t lose your dignity when you initiate conversation or invite him to meet you outside.
You lose your dignity when you wait around for him and he plays tricks on you stringing you along.
Unkindness is a character flaw hard to overcome or correct.
She has considered a few times where this is going and for how long. And I asked her what would hold her back from breaking up with him. She can’t fathom how or why she would do that. And they may both wait until the mutual interest dissipates. Or let this drag on for too long.
Last night I said if she knows her heart she should listen to what it tells her. The longer she waits the harder it is to break away. Emotional connection is forged over time even if there is little mutual respect and affection and admiration.
I have been rooting for him but now I miss my unattached daughter. The child who plays and laughs and isn’t thinking about a particular boy and his hobbies and availability and how he holds back or shares or play tricks.
I think she is most upset about him not telling his parents anything about her. She can’t understand the secrecy as she is so transparent with me. Though his parents know they are good friends, they don’t know how much more personal & vulnerable their conversations got. I do.
I walk alongside her. And I provide counsel but I mostly listen. I watch her fret and I watch her detach. And she is growing by leaps and bounds. May her clarity remain, her voice never falter. May she continue to be kind and always give the benefit of the doubt. Always take a leap of faith and trust. And may she know how wonderful she is, deep down, to her core, not based on what society tells her.