“Who told you, you can do this?” I ask my 7 year old, taken aback by her actions. “I told myself” she answered with an obvious “duh!” confident voice.
I also think through every situation fast. I do. But I find myself in her predicament often. I do decide for myself even when it’s borderline. People don’t ask me “who gave you permission” but sometimes they just frown. I am irreverent, and the older I get I become more confident in my freedoms. I was quiet as to not raise suspicion or cause drama. But I always found a way to do what I thought was best to do. Dangerous business if you ask me. Confident kids, even if they are always well behaved, they can get into a lot of trouble. Adults don’t have the best explanations or clear rules. Some things are done a certain way because they’ve always been done that way.
I oscillated between being seen as a person with initiative and a person who jumps the gun. I always worry I step on toes. But life is too short to live it worried so I do and I accept the eventual correction.
I became a bit more self-conscious these days as I am about to get my period. My heightened sense of self, makes me more concerned about offending others.
At the event on Saturday I brought my camera to take pictures. The thought crossed my mind to tell the other ladies I’ll bring it but it was not high on my priority list so I skipped it. I just showed up with it. It was not a problem but I realize I could have communicated better. To put them at ease and not worry about finding a photographer. I am not always in the mood or right mindset to take pictures. There are so many things I do because I feel like it. Though I do plenty because I have to as well. Especially cooking. I find the art of cooking to be a superpower. To create tasty things to feel yourself, to nourish your body and soul, and do the same for others too. It takes creativity and wit and planning and I also like to cook on a budget. That I am grateful I had practiced whether I liked it or not.
I do not have a boss and that makes me feel too loose, too unhinged. I sometimes long for someone to tell me what to do and take care of everything else. We manage our own finances and insurance and taxes and home life. And we pat each other’s backs for how smooth things are happening. We forget that we’ve been doing this adult life for longer than we’ve been kids. And then we also take care of other souls for half of our adult life already. We ask for permission as we inform others about what we do, out of respect. And we do the best we can with the best intentions. That must count for something.