As a kid I was so embarrassed when I was corrected by other adults, other than my parents. I sensed their disapproval, their judgement and displeasure …and I was disappointed with my parents for not telling me first, how or what to do, or not to do.
But it all served me well. I wonder what the middle ground is, or if there is one.
Conrad always loved kids. He still plays with any and all. But he has little tolerance for bratty behavior. And he is honest about it. We have had many fights over “him not putting up a little longer with” an overwhelming kid or bunch of kids. I know I have been unfair with him, as he often felt like I took everyone else’s side except his side, or point of view. When all he was doing was setting his boundaries. “No, you will no hit me!” “No, you will not spit.” And your cry doesn’t bother or scare me.
I always felt that I have no right to correct other kids since I don’t have any of my own. But I think that parents’ sensitivity and self embarrassment when their kid does something inappropriate is itself useful for the first minute. That’s all. Take whatever action you find appropriate, and move on. Dwelling on it is overrated.
We are together in this, and I would never correct someone just to make them feel bad. Adults and children alike. It is definitely easier to ignore obnoxious behavior and bail out of the relationship. And never look back. But as many of you know, I am not one to run away from a tough conversation or confrontation. I weigh my emotional implication and look at the facts objectively. Then tackle the topic. Lately I only have a 50 % success rate. I give people too much credit still, and I hope… Hope dies last. I hope they can get over their ego and hear me, but generally the problem is that we don’t have common ground, or a common platform. Or even a common goal.
Back to kids. I wish I could tell all my friends to extend the same friendship to my daughter and tell her when she could do something better (especially in relation to their own kids). I can’t monitor every step of her life… especially during play dates. It is exhausting and we are all happier and better off when kids administer their own relationships. They will fight, cross each other’s boundaries, deal with differences, they will make up, and they will learn.
I remember a friend always gave me the authority to discipline her kids while they were in my care and responsibility. I was 19. Their ages were between 4 and 7. As far as I can remember her kids were pleasant to be around and I never had to tiptoe with my friend or the kids. I also never had to abuse the perceived authority she offered me.
Parents these days rarely give other adults the freedom to use their judgement and healthy authority. “Listen to your teacher”, “listen to your Grammie”, “listen to the Sunday school teacher”. Or even to your baby sitter.
If an adult is in charge and responsible for your child for a given time, the child should be given explicit guidance in front of the other adult, to listen and behave. Also, all parties should hear the instructions at the same time.
Defiance is an important skill to learn, but not blindly. It can get someone into a lot of trouble, especially during youth, if not tempered by discernment. So I smile to myself at my daughter’s attempt to defiance… and I negotiate and I let her win some. And then push back some. My parents relied on instinct in raising me. And tried their best to do a little better than their parents. We strive for improvement generation over generation. There are things I would have done differently. Used words more for my education and not just lead by example. God gave us speech to use it. Yet I am grateful. They did an honest and best work they could, with the resources and context of their lives.