The days are long and full. And we live life to the fullest, differently than we used to. Jaclyn learns, says and does new things every day, and I can’t keep up with recording them. Many of them I store them up in my heart.
If at times I get the vague impression, a delusion really, that I can do this parenting thing, I am often reminded that I walk a beautiful but challenging path.
Last night after we put Jaclyn to bed, about an hour later, we heard some noise. We didn’t know if it is the neighbors or her. We went into her room and she was crying in her sleep. She never cries with tears when awake. Probably a defense mechanism. She couldn’t articulate what the issue was. Daddy held her warmly in his arms and she was soothed back to sleep. On the other and, she wakes up cheerful, she is constantly in a good mood. She eats veggies and fruit, goes out on walks even in freezing weather, she naps willingly, laughs a lot, dances and makes up games.
There are consequences which we only seldom had to enforce, like taking a break from using the iPad. Occasionally, when she does something, despite the fact that we told her not to, when we take away something she pouts. The past two days she said “I’m upset because I’m a very bad girl.” We have never said this to her. No child is bad in essence. His actions may be questionable, but under no circumstance I want her to believe this lie. We tell her she is a very good girl, and that we love her and she is well behaved and delightful. She just didn’t listen well this time. I see her smile. I sense her shoulder lift and we contradict her belief that she is a bad girl. She remembers and repeats things that we told her just one, weeks before. I wonder if someone just once told her at some point that she is a bad girl, and now she revisits that posibility.
I listen to a podcast yesterday (The Archibald Project). A twenty years old adoptee had incredible wisdom to share. What stuck with me was what she said about grief and pain. Adoptees need to allow themselves to mourn and embrace pain (as scary as it may be), to go through it to freedom. Being vulnerable, sharing your story, helps one to let go, even if vulnerability most likely won’t come natural nor easy. I realize yet again how much we need God to lead the way. Every day.