We are one of thousands of adoptive families in Romania, some of whom are considering adoption following a diagnosis of infertility, often unexplained but increasingly prevalent in our generation.
As women, we carry the burden of infertility, even though recent studies show that infertility is shared equally between men and women.
Growing up in the church, I was exposed to the patriarchal scene. I heard and believed that having children was a blessing from God. And, to this day, many cultures affirm that a woman’s value is given by motherhood. So I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband a child or give my parents a grandchild, even more than I wanted to be a mother myself. The pressure to have a child after marriage was exhausting. This may sound strange, but I remember the relief
We were called to stand in the gap, to fill a need today, and to take small steps, and as they grow into adults, our children must walk their own journey of healing.
that I felt when I learned that my husband had a medical problem of infertility, even though the diagnosis was actually cancer and we had a difficult journey ahead, with much pain, fear, and the unknown.
But during those years of uncertainty, I had the grace that my husband loved me generously and never for a moment did he give me the impression that I was not enough. Little did he suspect that his love for me was actually an investment of grace in our relationship.
Infertility is a crushing blow, a temptation to open the door to bitterness, but it is not a punishment. I personally felt it as an invitation to a journey of redemption and to witness extraordinary love through adoption. Now I see, feel and experience the Father’s love for me with a clarity and depth that I could not intuit before.
Not because it is easy, but because I understand God’s Fatherly heart differently.
Two years after diagnosis and recovery, we struggled with the desire to adopt. All this time, I prayed to God not to let us go further without Him.
We decided that we would prepare ourselves, but, no matter how painful it was, He would open or close the door of adoption for us.
We asked ourselves all kinds of questions about our abilities to be good parents, to fulfill the needs of special children well. In the end, we certified ourselves as adoptive parents at the DGASPC in Cluj and waited to be “suitable parents” for a child. That’s how Jaclyn, a 3-year-old girl, entered our lives.
We became attached to each other quite quickly. It was an extraordinarily beautiful, challenging and emotional time.
A few years later we decided to adopt again and, when we went to find out and register, we received the big news: Jaclyn has a biological sister, who was one year old and had just been registered with child protection. What a miracle we experienced! We also adopted her little sister, Ivy, who was also 3 years old at the time. The day our daughters met was a day of joy that I cannot describe…
When God calls us to such a story of love for our neighbor, He also gives us the strength and resources, not only to endure the challenges, but to live with joy. And we hold Him close.
Adoption is intertwined with loss and heartbreak. All adopted children need to go through a journey of healing and forgiveness. But healing is not all or nothing for children who suffer from early trauma.
And we, as parents, do not have to look at our children’s growth through the lens of success or failure. We were called to stand in the gap, to meet a need today, and to take small steps, and as they become adults, our children must walk their own journey of healing.
Our role is to support them and at the same time give them free rein. I am trying to do that right now, by entrusting them to God, just as Hannah dedicated her son, Samuel, to God. Our children do not belong to us, but to God.
My role as a parent is to turn their eyes heavenward, to help them know God, so that when they have the discernment to decide, they will receive Him as Lord, Redeemer, and Father. If they are not born again, their lives will be defined by their first birth, with its brokenness, its shortcomings, its tears, its losses, its sufferings, and its lacks. For them, the struggle for identity in Christ is clearer and more acute, but just as necessary as for any young person. A kindergartener was asked what the purpose of mothers is. He replied, “To help their children be born.” We, adoptive mothers, could not help our children with biological birth, but we can certainly help and prepare them for the new birth. Like Nicodemus, adopted children wonder how they could be born from the wombs of adoptive mothers, out of a deep desire for belonging, for primordial connection. But we Christians have a living hope through being “born again”.
As a parent you become creative, persevering, patient, courageous, visionary and humble. Becoming a parent is a school of full maturity.
Our value does not depend on the progress of our children. And implicitly: their value is not intended to make us seem like successful parents. From the other perspective, if we let it, shame will rob us of joy and the ability to appreciate our children for who they are. We are sometimes told that our family seems like a fairy tale, but neither our daughters nor we are saints. We are human and we are on a journey towards perfection. The struggle with fear or the unknown, with human weaknesses or limitations is as real in our case as in the case of any other family. As parents, we entrust our daughters to God. Every day. We are just a tool, a soothing layer of love and faith. Basically, we are also children of God. So, we all rest in Him.
1 Corinthians 4:7 says, “For who makes you special? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?” Everything I have is a gift. And I am called to give it away, to bless others in turn.
“By the grace of God I am what I am.” 1 Corinthians 15:10. Both I and my children.
I received God into my heart in my early teens and prayed a bold and dangerous prayer: that He would do anything with my life, but that I would never leave Him.
God answered generously! I knew Him and felt Him with me through the highs and the lows. It is possible that God answered that prayer by also giving me the privilege of becoming a mother through the miracle of adoption.
Looking back, I see how, through this decision, I gave my life to the Lord and actually gained life, full of color, joy, and meaning. And I sincerely believe that adoption is for more than just those who consider this option for their family.