When Conrad and I moved to California, seven years ago, we joined the newly weds class led by Conrad’s parents. It is there where I heard about the idea of love languages for the first time. A few years later we hosted together a couples’ retreat in Romania, with the same theme. And this past week the love languages topic kept coming up in conversations with different couples.
The bottom line question is “how or when do you feel loved?” Answering this question does two things for you: it sets expectations and it creates a state of vulnerability and closeness.
Seven years ago, as a newly wed, quality time and physical touch were my top two love languages, closely followed by acts of service, words of affirmations, and lastly gifts. To a degree the way we love or feel loved is deeply rooted in our childhood, but the people we marry speak their own love language so we ought to learn. Fast.
So here’s what is still vivid in my memory: my dad’s big beautifully strong hands, holding mine as we were walking down the street. My mom’s beautiful smaller hands brushing my hair on my forehead. And my grandma, rubbing my back as I was sitting on her old bed, tired or sleepy. She was was having late-evening conversations with my mom. Her callused hand would make a brushing noise on my sweater, as she would tell she loved me without words.
That being said, I never thought physical touch is one of my love languages, until I married Conrad. He can hold my hand or touch my neck and the world is right again.
If I were to guess, I would say my parents and my brother love and feel loved through acts of service. They are observant of people’s needs and put their gifts to good use. Our meals were simple spreads of healthy authentic deliciousness. I remember countless lunches and dinners together. My parents worked in shifts, but we managed to spend most meals together. We also took road trips galore growing up. But I don’t recall praises.
From far-far away I have learned to love my parents through words of affirmation. Reassuring, initiating, recognizing or reminiscing… words are powerful. As a leader in a professional environment it all starts with being observant and acknowledging out loud the taking of initiative or the work well done.
Conrad expresses his love every day through making me coffee and spending the morning with me, even when he doesn’t need to wake up at 6 AM.
And a random thought: There is this reoccurring and vivid dream I have. I dream that I’m in Cluj, holding a baby, a small life squirming warm in my arms. A baby that’s mine. And it fills me with joy that lingers even after I wake up. I vividly remember that physical touch.