I am a rule follower. I am obedient and I see a strong correlation between integrity and respecting the law. On the other hand, the kid in us wants to know: Are the rules clear? Do they make sense? Are they clearly communicated?
We are not built to blindly follow. We are built to discern right from wrong. Steinhart comes to my mind, and his experience as a prisoner. His bottomline advice was to not be stupid.
I search my heart, and my conviction and try to find God’s will.
I find no pleasure in causing trouble. But out of conviction I act and speak, while my sole focus has been and continues to be God’s calling, discerning His voice.
What a psychological experiment this pandemic has been. We entered a storm of emotions, of frustration and disappointment, all homogeneously mixed in with the lack of clear communication.
I long for peace. I long to be heard and understood, and my storm of emotions validated. I keep it together though. Today the authorities wagged their finger one more time at me. I pocked and prodded. I stepped out of line. And at some point I felt as if I’m on my own. Because on the adoption front we are alone. No matter how challenging this abrupt separation has been, I am aware that we will be the one picking up the pieces and gluing them together over the next many years.
After the emergency situation ended, and people were allowed to go get haircuts, have dentist appointments, and visit friends and family, I went to visit our daughter. I had called prior and was given no guidance. So in my conscience and heart, I did not disobey nor did I act in an endangering way.
I have fully embraced my adoptive American culture, and my husband who grew up in that culture, embodies it… we speak up. And in that culture, speaking up is not only welcomed, it is expected and effective. Well, in many other cultures, the squeaky wheel doesn’t get the oil. It is only frowned upon.
On the other hand, I believe in diplomacy and getting more done with discreet persuasion. But I’ve been so emotionally rattled these months, and so directly affected by the limitations, that my speaking up caused bridges to shake. Hopefully not to crumble.
I am left to pray that God would heal. He would mend the bridges, He would heal relationship and protect me and my family from the spiritual war raging outside. It really feels that, us adopting the two sisters, is going to change the world in ways I can’t even imagine now. That their destinies are grand, and God has big plans for them. The price we pay is through this perseverance, bracing for what’s to come, and digging our roots deep into God’s fertile ground.