I am really nervous. After months of not knowing what’s going to happen with our adoption process, things are sped up all of a sudden. The country is in an alert state after the pandemic lock down. But our CPS has received guidance regarding the last evaluation before they submit the papers to court. So Tuesday I will show up with my youngest daughter to the CPS offices and get interviewed in the courtyard, with masks on. 

Two and a half months ago I was pretty confident  about this transition process. Things were smooth, we connected, the sisters connected, we felt prepared. Add to the most traumatic part of an adoption, the transition to another home, a lockdown of two months. We kept going one day at a time, not knowing when all this would end and how. It felt discouraging, hopeless, infuriating. I like structure. I communicate timely. I like to plan. All this was sorely lacking during the pandemic. But it’s somewhat behind us. From our adoption perspective. We pick up the pieces as we speak and we’ll see where we go from here. 

This week I started a class online about how to competency care for children who come from traumatic backgrounds. It’s a lot to take in. In retrospect it’s easier to process what we’ve done well, and to label certain aspects of behavior and have an explanation for this or that. But as a new adoption is afoot… I realize how difficult the journey ahead will be. Starting with crying to go back to the foster family, to the familiar room or the familiar bed. No matter how good or bad their past was, they will always go through withdrawals and long for the familiar. Luckily, our youngest daughter has had a very goof foster home. And for this reason, I have mixed feeling about her departure. I feel sad for her. I feel guilty and I mourn along wit her, the loss of her temporary family. I put myself in her shoes and I can’t help but quite feel the sadness. So next week we’ll have the evaluation and the court can decide as early as the next day to bring her home for good. It was not so for Jackie. I think they also try to minimize the back and forth we would be doing otherwise, to minimize the risk of carrying silently the virus. It’s just a thought. 

Still, after to months of keeping in touch via FaceTime, and finally seeing her recently, to check off a meeting and then take her away for good is about. But I remembered one thing today. If it had been similar to our experience with Jackie, we would have been too self-confident, self-reliant and maybe blind to the subtle differences. Thus God humbles our heart and forces us to cling on to him. 

We are emotionally exhausted. Due to the wait. Due to the pandemic. Due to the tension between us and the CPS office. I would like to enter into the transition fully present, positive, dedicated, connected, prepared… but we struggle with the anxiety due to the impending change. We are on edge more. We have a lot of work and a lot of classes, Jackie senses our distracted minds and she demands our attention more. She longs for connection and I totally get it. We manage to set time aside and engage. But it feels like we are running a marathon with s suitcase that does’t close well, and we keep fumbling. 

It’s great news that we finally have a resolution, possibly as early as next week. But our confidence, our wisdom and ability to lead well, preparing the way, anticipating needs and questions for our daughters, that can set the stage for a smooth transition. My only worry, if I were to boil it down, is Ivy’s heart in this transition. The pandemic caused a prolonged delay and separation, and the pandemic is forcing us to jump ship fast. 

 I just read the sweetest book guide called Second Mother. I believe it’s available in the States. I recommend it to anyone who has been touched by adoption and to all adoptive parents who want to build a community with other adoptive parents.