Guilt

There is this one burden. Guilt. Guilt that I may not be a good enough parent. And the fear that I may not climb out of bitterness.

I wrote a poem encapsulating my longing and belief and prayer, as I parent exhausted at times.

—

My dear daughter jackie 

Goofy, bright 

Your mind so hungry, curious 

Your vocabulary rich 

You’ve grown 

Aware and interesting

A bit unsure about your past and future 

Yet So different and rich

Pushed out of the center stage 

Not off 

but sharing the spotlight 

You lose our full attention 

But you gain a sister

A lifelong friend 

You are brilliant 

You are kind

You long to be approved of

Gifted, seen, embraced 

You receive love with joy 

and evident satisfaction.

My daughter

My friend 

I pour my life into yours

And for now it’s uncomfortable 

For both of us

I am drained –

– You are bothered 

I am chiseling a growing adult 

Not a child 

I pray there will be room for friendship

After I do my duty as a mom

Guiding correcting chiseling 

I long for you to trust the Lord

And seek his will 

And as you give your life to God

There will be joy in our adult friendship 

Two sisters in Christ 

Meanwhile 

I’m your mom

Your necessary leader 

Your guide 

Your mirror and your strong arm 

Holding you up

Turning you away from the dangerous paths

My daughter 

My sister in Christ 

I give my life for your well-being

I pray for your future in faith 

May God protect you

Always and forever

And may we celebrate 

On both side of heaven

Our friendship to come 

—-

I long to feel that I’m good enough and the present is good enough. Guilt is the perfect sin for the goodie-two-shoes. The burden to keep us away from our good and perfect Father.