But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I saw this verse from Galatians on instagram and I felt convicted in my heart. My tree is dry and bare. It has a few low fruit hanging. But it is not lush with joy, peace, forbearance, gentleness. I feel discouraged in my intentional parenting, as it feels I speak in vain. I have lost my long term vision about seeding truth and encouragent in my children. I want them to obey now. I want them to accept responsibility for their choices or responsibility for their lack of perseverance. 

I otherwise feel like a crazy person hoping every day that things will click. And when they don’t, I start to doubt I’m on the right path. Maybe I’m not a good mother. I know I’m good enough, but I had this illusion that my intuition will have given me some shortcuts to success. Maybe the disillusionment hurts the most. 

I backed off and started to pray for the fruit of the spirit to show in my life. I know my life belongs to God and I love and follow him. But the discrepancy between what I believe I believe, and the lacking of the fruit of the Spirit, well, that tells another story. So I started to think about it. Just ponder the fruit of the spirit. And mention them to God. And ask that I may witness them in my heart. I don’t hold him to a schedule. I don’t negotiate. I only pray with open hands. And try to not get irritated at bedtime. 

A few days ago, on the weekend, the girls woke up possessed by the cleaning spree. I did not say a words. Most days I’m possessed by it and my husband get overwhelmed with my busy body if he feels like he should step in and help. So the girls sorted all the toys, put them in boxes and stored them away in the storage, keeping only a few to play with. They picked up everything, and vacuumed under their bed. Their beds were made and the desk was cleaned. I didn’t know they understood what cheating is. But all those weekends I cleaned around them, explaining what I do, asking for their helps on specific tasks, and they grumbled, it now clicked. One day. It just clicked and they did it. I didn’t even ask them to do it. Then they called us up to come witness the miracles. We closed our eyes at the door. And they were giddy with excitement about their accomplishment. 

Playing is messy business. They still spread the books and legos, the coloring pages and the house. But I was encouraged that there is hope. That I will not collect dirty socks from every corner of their room. That they will find their own stuff. 

I think praying for abundant fruit of the spirit, is a lifelong activity. May I always remember this in my heart.