As a mom I have intervened with logic between the occasional small sisterly quarrels. For the most part they have been pretty easy in showing kindness and grace and respect to each other. We may have modeled it, we may have encouraged it with words, we mau have prayed for it. But it’s not a given.
As adults we are free to pursue friendships with other likeminded people and enjoy the company of others inspire us to be better and who also see the best in us. We realize it or not, we tech our kids to pursue healthy relationships or toxic ones.
After correcting my kids a bunch, and feeling discouraged with their lack of awareness, I was helping my eldest with her stretches and looked at her and spoke some kind words of hope and encouragement about future. She melted. “How do you know?” She asked as I spoke about how I foresee her enjoying the fruit of her labor, her art and eloquence and hard work will not go unnoticed and unrewarded.
I don’t know de detail. Of course. And I am not talking nonsense. I don’t utter lies even if they seem well intended – but we as parents have the power to speak into existence our hopes and prayers for our kids.
My mom used to say that we will surpass her in our career success and knowledge. How did she know that? She just looked at us through eyes of faith. And her words stuck with me.
Meanwhile, we have very different relationships with our siblings, both my husband and I. There must have been some competition there. It can be subtile or evident, discouraged or encouraged (even with best intentions – to some motivational and to others damaging). But there is this feeling that you can’t fabricate – can’t fake. Admiration. Respect. Do you trust your siblings judgement, character, values, faith? And even if you do, how do you subtly progress from that hierarchy type of relationship to being equals?
For the most part, each of us have walked our own path and didn’t offer much of our personal opinion to the siblings about their decisions. Ultimately it is between them and their spouse and then their kids to make a united front of very big life decision. Or small decisions too.
But siblings would just have a much farther seat in maybe being informed or updated about the other’s decisions. Moves, job changes, house purchases, trips… not to mention parenting. Nobody ever offered unsolicited advice on how to parent. We know better. Even if we all parent so differently. It is wild that we were raised by the same parents. My brother and I live very different lives. My husband and his sisters as well, parent and live very differently.
Yet we have pretty respectful relationships. We enjoy each other’s company in brief encounters. I guess we all have different spouses who are in turn very different. I have always made allowances, and tried to accommodate and take the high road whenever necessary. But in my older stage in life I feel tired to mediate anymore between cousins or brothers and sisters in law. I guess the parents adapt to whatever.
My brother is very successful and a good husband and father, a great friend, and his business counsel is sought after by many. And yet I mostly avoid any conversation about business with him. Though his counsel has been valuable at times. And I just dawned on me this winter of 2025 why… he “mansplains” to me (without realizing he is doin it) as if I still am his little sister. A kid. I don’t know if he values my opinion the same way I valued his since we were kids. It occurs to me that he is not curious as to where I’m coming from (it’s not something he says, but how it makes me feel) what is my experience is or what I know. He offers advice with too much ease. Yet I know he makes an effort to hold back. The last summer I felt a bit embarrassed when I heard him offer his point of view as if he was the authority on the matter, to my father in-law who is a history professor. And my brother was actually steamrolling with his opinions. It’s a Romanian thing. I assume. We – my conditionals, think that we are experts in everything. My father in law confidently offered his knowledge, but there wasn’t a consensus. I just felt the tension in the air. I couldn’t quite articulate what made me feel so uncomfortable but I felt disheartened and burdened. I have a few smart friends whose company we circumvent because we don’t want to be lectured every time we meet. You know, the introverts find it just fine to breathe in some silence when we meet. There is no rush to enlighten others all the time.
At the end of the day I am more irritated with mansplaining. It happens in many circles. The US too. I started practicing by asking clearly for permission to express my different point of view. The gentlemen who have a sense to listen and not take it personally, really grow in my eyes and give me hope to continue to pursue a friendship with them.
I hope to be a trusted friend who breathes life into those I interact with, to make them feel heard, seen, understood. A friend who listens well and who offers confidently different opinions alongside with the curiosity to understand the other. I hope and pray to have the faith to speak hope into existence, and a bright vision about our kids’ future. Be kind and courageous. Respectful and understanding. Clear and visionary. Humble and daring.