In the year of AI and other algorithms taking over social media, I don’t want to post any memento of my daughter’s birthday, but I want to comemorate it in writing. I seem to have misplaced my purple leather diary, so I will reflect here on a few thoughts about celebrating birthdays. I am not a big fan of them.
As a kid the pressure caused the adults to act funny, stressed, overwhelmed. On a few occasions we had a bought cake which was delicious. But most of the time I took a box of candy at school and served my colleagues and they sang happy birthday to me. I got no gifts. I did get flowers. And I admit I love flowers. A beautiful fragrant bouquet. I love getting flowers.
Now ivy my introvert kid turned 9. She is born right after the new year. People are often still on vacation. More often than not we were not home for her birthday. So we didn’t celebrate properly.
Her first birthday with us was sweet. My parents joined us in our apartment in the same block as them. We got her lots of gifts and she smiles like mona-lisa her serene smile.
The other few years we were in Austin Texas and the first time auntie Halie organized her birthday with games, and muffins and balloons. It was so fun that Jackie wanted in on the American celebration. Granted, before we adopted Ivy, we had traveled to Austin in October, and we celebrated three Halloween and I think we made a bog deal of Jackie’s birthday as well.
Another year, we invited a few colleagues from kindergarten and their moms stayed and chatted with me while the kids awkwardly played. It was a simple birthday but ivy loved it. It reminded me of her birthday this year. Again she invited a few colleagues, this time 3 years older, but again justa handful and she felt a lot more confident in hosting her own party. The dads dropped off their daughters and ivy played and chatted and had pizza with the girls.
A few couldn’t make it because after many years that was the day it snowed all night and people were snowed in at home on their houses on the hill. Much like us as well. I worried about people being able to drive their kids. By noon the streets were plowed. But I had a bit of problem with ordering the pizza. I ended up walking to get it and missed the location by 600 m which we trudged through slush and unplowed road. A memorable adventure. The girls really wanted to walk with me. Little did they know it won’t be fun.
Ivy had delicious pizza but the frozen mocha cheese cake was not everyone’s favorite. As it never is. Until they try it. But this time they didn’t even tried it. So sad.
Such parties drain me. I am pretty much done with parties. I find myself pulled into organizing such social events again and again and they are not my cup of tea. With Jackie we had to keep up the social events and she would start anticipating her birthday months before. And would make plans and dream and talk about it.
I wanted to make sure ivy knows she is special and worthy celebrating and help her feel honored on her day.
I didn’t even dream having friends over at my house as a kid to celebrate me. What decorations, what hosting, what singing or cake. And I felt loved and I felt like I belonged. My lack of experienced or desire to host such parties is my handicap and I have tried hard to overcome it, and be more and do more than it was dine for me… and it has been exhausting but I did it with determination. And found joy on my heart for my family’s joy.
Enoughness and gratitude are a different story. I’m not saying that my kids don’t have it but I see how elusive it is as we pile on more stuff, more events, more little things to distract us from our deepest heart’s desire.
Last night I had the longest conversation with conrad, after the kids went to bed about gifts. I don’t feel like we need any more stuff. And he promised ivy he will take her shopping with the money she got from my mom. She dissent know what she wants but the idea of spending money tickles her. This is a delicate timer of learning independence & wisdom in spending, what we need, what we what, how we get there…
My heart’s desire is a trip. And Conrad’s hear’s desire is a writing cabin. The girls want trivial things. And maybe electronics or to be cool at school.
If I want to travel (with Conrad, wt the girls) is it my full responsibility to make it happen money wise? Usually the hotel & the food get very expensive for a party of four. I be considered a city break with just conrad, but we travel so little that I don’t feel good about leaving the girls home. They say they don’t care. But as the trip gets near they say they would they could come. But then I cant make any changes if it a flight involved.
Buiding a cabin costs more than we have but we could make a plan. Start saving. And focus on the long term investment. I am an investor who has no problem spending money on big ticket items of they have been thought through and there is a long term benefit from it. Like we want solar panels so we could charge the car for free for all the driving we do. There times as day for two girls. 60km a day. 300 km a week. This service, this driving, this is a gift, a love language …but I fear it is expected and not seen as such. Much like the healthy food we cook daily. It’s a given. The books, the guidance, the movies and the abundant quality time we spend together.
Ivy’s love language is quality time. She snuggles up every chance she gets and she would join me o many errand. As long as she can tag along she is happy. She said she loved her birthday and I believe her. I didn’t have much say in the order of the events. I just decorated and cleaned the house, ordered the pizza and served the girls. And coordinated with the parents. May she remember she was always loved and celebrated well.