Before going to California, last summer, Conrad started talking in earnest about adopting again. I was not there yet. I was enjoying our family of three. It was our first year with Jackie. The social worker also told us to give Jackie time, a year, to settle in our family completely.

Our one year from the adoption court decision was celebrated in the States. It was Thanksgiving Day. That was our vacation of three. I felt pangs of guilt for having a grand old time while our next child… who knows where he/she might be at that same time. Alas, we can’t control or know everything, but make the best of the present and of what we have. Conrad became more vocal about starting the adoption process again, and I was apprehensive and weary. But I made a few calls and my heart woke up. I was ready to start the tedious process again. Our first social worker who answered a few questions told me that I have to come in for a first visit before we submit our papers.

On that first blessed day our hearts got irreversibly lit on fire. We learned about Jaclyn’s biological sister. She entered the child protection system. It felt like our road is being paved and we felt it as a reassurance that God leads the way. I never lost sight of how broken the story of adoption is and how God never intended for women to abandon their children, and for kids to go through such trauma of primordial abandonment, that will follow them and shape them the rest of their lives. When they are most vulnerable and least able to fend for themselves, the one who should shield them with her life, she can’t or she won’t. Today I got to listen to a fascinating life story of a woman who was adopted 65 years ago. God redeems and transforms and makes beauty from ashes. She was a beautiful, agile, warm, interesting woman.

But today I’m in a hard place. Painful. I don’t know this child, this one year old, but I love her completely. Jaclyn’s little sister. I caress Jackie’s face and I imagine her sister’s face too. There was an intervention, and she was picked up by a team of people from the social services. That is a job I couldn’t do. Rescue is hard and painful. That rescue party included the social worker who was responsible for Jaclyn during her state care at her foster family. She told me about her sister. She was registered as a child at risk I guess, in March. They offered Jackie’s former foster family the option to take her in. They couldn’t due to delicate back problems of the foster mom that would interfere with the availability for development of a one year old. I wonder what would have happened had they said yes. I wish they knew clearly that we intend to adopt again. Maybe that would have made a difference. But God knows all.

Jackie’s former foster parents rejoiced at our news about deciding to adopt again. They later inquired about Jaclyn’s sister and they were told that she is in the Abused children center. In limbo. Not yet in the foster care nor on the adoption processing track. That made my heart heavy. I wonder where and how she is. My heart prays incessantly though I will be able to see only much later what is transpiring now in the backstage of our life story.

Our post adoption social worker said she recognized Jaclyn’s sister as her sister just because they look so similar even with three years age difference between them. She told me she saw little sister sad in a pregnant woman’s arms who was with another woman. I didn’t understand if she was a foster mom or her biological mom. My mind tries to piece together the bits of information I get from all these different parties involved. And I ache. Today I was told as a side note during the post adoption support group that the state does everything in their power to reunite every child with their biological mother or family. Offers support, shelter, counseling, goes back and forth a lot. When a child is declared adoptable they have exhausted all their options and possibilities. Jaclyn entered into their evidence at 7 months. By the time she was placed urgently with a foster family was at 1 year and 6 months. That portion of time was the most traumatic for Jackie. And only at nearly age 3 she was finally declared adoptable and we were matched with her within days.

The other adoptive moms in my group ask me now every time we meet how is it going and if I saw her… but I know one clear thing. The long road ahead is filled with not knowing. And waiting. Another mom in the group asked me how I feel. Torn, heavy hearted, all-the-while hopeful. I fear we got all our hopes up and started dreaming of a future together as four. So I told Lia that our hearts are resolved to adopt her, no matter what her condition is, and we haven’t even seen her. And I finally dared to speak up and declare to God my heart’s desire. While trusting Him in His wisdom and perfect timing, that His will be done. How can I wish that a child be taken from her biological mother, the woman that carried her in her womb for 9 months. How can I hope that she will relinquish her parental rights, yet again, as she did a few more times already. That is not my place to judge or to decide. I can only decide for my heart and my family. We are ready Lord. Use us as you wish. I want so much for Jackie to have a sister. She has been asking for a sister for over a year now. For her, whoever we adopt would be her sister. And yet. Her baby sister is in a hard season right now. Oh, her little heart. Dear God, be with her, comfort her, protect her. And if it is your will, bring her to us. So help us God.