We are on top of the world. We have our health. We have each other. The course of life is steady. The kids are safe under our roof. The storm of adolescence hasn’t hit us yet. Their dependence is sweet and natural still. While they dare to brave the new beginnings, the grownup works, they face new challenges and overcome them.
It’s winter break. We are together at home all the time. One evening I said jokingly: I’m running away into the world. With a serious but hopeful demeanor, Ivy asks: “can I come with you?” It’s the phrase I hear most often from her. She is sweet and her love language is quality time. She feels loved if we play games with her, if we read to her, if we go for walks with her. She just wants to be close. And she swims with me often, she plays games with Conrad, she chats the night away with Jackie.
I laughed when she asked to come with me because the point was for me to be alone.
As we went for a quick trip to the mall and Conrad got pants, and Ivy got a fun game, a writing tablet, I discouraged her from getting a hat. It was big and slippery and nothing interesting about it. It also costed 54 lei. She has many hats at home but never wears them because it isn’t cold enough. She got so upset with me. She wrote on her tablet that I ruin her fun, and I never let her buy anything. Jackie told us in her car. Conrad said Jackie shouldn’t give away her sister’s secrets, but Ivy had a point. It was true. Yet. It made me sad.
Jackie asked Conrad if liviu is his best friend. “No”, he answered. “Mommy is”. He’s said it before. I know what he means. We can be fully ourselves with each other and encourage one another to be great. As far as next on the list goes. Yeah, sure. Liviu. He’s a guy. And a convenient choice. Because he is present.
When Conrad turned the question back to Jackie, she said iris is her best friend. They rarely spend time together. They don’t go to the same church. But we vacation together as girls, when i go on adventures with the older ladies. That is something, iris has a wise mom whom I love and admire and trust. I wish we had more social opportunities together on a regular basis. But life is busy for both of us. Yet we always pick from where we left off and I too consider carmen one of my best friends. When we asked Ivy who her best friend was, expected her to say Jackie. But as if to punish me, she said daddy. Then Jackie. I didn’t even make the list.
This is where the tide turned. It was a childish coment, one that Conrad contradicted. He said she is just brown nosing and it’s not nice. But she held on to her statement: daddy does things with her, they go shopping and play board games.
I am glad they see his value and he is present. I often find myself talking him up in their eyes, when he is too stern, or annoyed by them, and scolds or directs them with an irritated tone. There was a time when they didn’t like him at all, and the feeling was mutual, but I tried to be the voice of reason and peace between them all. And they listened. They heard and believed me.
Just to find myself as the bad guy for discouraging a frivolous purchase and feel easily discarded by the kid who uses me the most. It’s her birthday next week as well, and guess who has to plan it? Inviting friends, ordering pizza, coordinating with parents, cleaning the house and decorating it. Maybe her best friend should take care of organizing her birthday party.
As we got home I assumed the role as usual of setting the table, and preparing the lunch. I always do the dishes. Because I clean as I go, and I clean before things dry on the pots. Except one time this month when I asked Conrad if he could do the dishes. Often they disappear after dinner, each to their activities, and I clean up the kitchen. One evening I cried because I felt I have fallen into this routine and I can’t seem to get out of. I felt terribly lonely. I like to cook alone, and I don’t want an audience when I clean. But mothering is a very lonely business. And because of my preferences, I started to feel used. Taken for granted. They apreciate what we put in front of them to eat. Conrad cooks often (I tell him early if he could cook and what ingredients we have) but the cleaning of the kitchen I undertake out of habit because nobody gets around to it. And given today’s conversations, I felt crushed in spirit. My love language is acts of service, while Ivys is quality time. And Conrad’s is physical touch. And Jackie’s is gifts. We are all so different. And we may not feel loved the way we love others. But holidays are hard because they reveal a lot of discrepancies in our personalities. Though in reality all love languages are practiced: quality time, gifts, service, physical touch… If we don’t approach with humility and curiosity and a desire for peace and generous love… we are in big trouble.