There must be a balance between taking care of family with warmth and presence and commitment, and the ability to empower them to grow mature and responsible. I was never pushed outside of my comfort zone too early. Some natural things in my family, like spending time at my grandmother as the eldest cousin, observing the other adults, and wanting to be in control of my fate, all moved me, on my own, terms to be a step ahead of people asking me to grow up.
I saved money, I started doing the dishes after big events and small, I paid bills (you had to wait in long lines at their offices and this is something my parents empowered me to do out of need). I did not know how to cook a meal from start to finish, but I observed what my parents did. And I could heat up the food we had in the fridge. We always had leftovers and I fed myself when coming home from school when my parents were at work and my brother at school.
It comes easy to take care of my family to a fault. Anticipating every need, intervening, filling in, driving, advocating, planning. But in my two years of sinking burnout, of worry and exhaustion, I saw myself as depleting. Then I felt used. But nobody would take advantage of me to hurt me. It was just how things were done around here.
The reality is that though I try to empower my family to be independent, they fall back in old habits. Some things would easily adjust if I wasn’t here to fulfill them, like the drive to school. Taking turns with a neighbor this year was lifesaving. But the girls didn’t really practice any independence. Just reliance on someone making arrangements and then them complaining sometimes as if their preference was more important than my life work balance.
Because someone close to us is having a third child everyone started discussing what would mean if we adopted again. And if I picure a life in 20 years, another child grown into adulthood, grateful and healthy and ready to embark on life’s adventure, I can see the appeal. And I am definitely better off these days than I was a year or two ago. But I had to bring up with clarity the imbalance of parenting – guide, sooth, drive, register, medical appointments and all the follow ups.
Jackie got stung by a bee. They all looked to me to decide what to do. I don’t know. I’ve never seen an allergy reaction to a bee. It swells for 48 hours and it goes down. I try to not overreact and go to the ER. But I feel again the pressure of making all the decisions and realizing that for communication purposes, I have to be there to intercede for every interaction. I just wish I had the option to pass. To let someone else be in charge.
This conversation motivated conrad to start in earnest to practice his Romanian. Every day. He’s been living here for 10 year. Married for 18. He has not yet made a serious effort to speak my language. He understands it but does not speak it.
If I die tomorrow my family would struggle to figure out life – though I do believe they will survive. So in order to not fail as a mother, without going into extremes, I need to empower them to learn to live with less and less dependence on me. Showing them how I do, telling them what they would need to do, letting them try, and fail and try again. And in this whole process live and not just hold my breath because learning is a lifelong journey.
I have given my two weeks notice on a few jobs. And I didn’t look back. I felt a sense of satisfaction when they missed me. And I worked hard enough to always be missed. Like that joke “I’m humble enough to know that everyone is replaceable. I’m confident enough to know it will take 5 people to do the work I do”