I vaguely remember someone telling me about how confusing it is for a child to constantly be told what not to do. What about the stuff they should or are allowed to do. That is somehow more appealing or clear.
I tried it myself. With Jaclyn. It is easy to fall into the extreme of “don’t”. It takes some mental flexibility and excercise to focus and verbalize their guidance on what is allowed. And reduce the “don’t” or “if you do, this is the consequence”. She is often and inevitably tempted to try the exact thing I explicitly forbade.
I tried a thing my dad used to do with me: “say yes!” Telling her the answer I’m hoping for. I ask her to do something and then I tell her to say yes. I did this only twice ever. Once, walking to the car, I asked her to give me my card back, because otherwise I will forget about it and it will get misplaced. A week later, she reiterated my request: “yes mommy. When we get to the car, I give you your card back.” “I choose to say yes to you.”
Is it manipulation? Is is taking away her inner journey of finding the right response and choosing the right action? I think not. At three years of age, to have someone kindly explain to you why something is important and then laying down the path to walk on, is a good learning trick. I questioned and challenged inwardly my own parents, but somehow, some of their parenting decisions were the most brilliant intuitive actions and words.