My daughters haven’t asked quite yet, this question about their bio mom. But all older adoptees have wondered this very thing. Some verbalize the question. Some are hunted by it.
I met the other day with an adoptive mom whose daughter is 15 and who is a believer. Around age 8, her daughter asked her adoptive mom if her bio mom loved her. “Of course she did. All mom love their kids. Because she gave birth to you.” Some time later she asked again: “Did she love me?” – “I believe so. How could she not!” came the answer. The third time the daughter asked, the adoptive mom knew she can’t quench this thirst, no matter how she tries to assure her. By divine inspiration she told her the truth. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I honestly don’t have an answer to your question. But God does. Why don’t you ask Him.” She didn’t say ask you dad. It wasn’t an easy way out. It was a brilliant thought. The daughter started to pray. Asking God. And she faithfully prayed many months. One day He answered. She saw her mom in a dream/vision. Holding her, crying, sad tears, kissing her goodbye. And soon after she saw her parents picking her up, crying, but different kind of tears. Happy tears. As she descried her mom to her adoptive mom, as it turned out, the only picture the adoptive parents had but hadn’t shown yet to her, matched the vision of bio mom.
The question of her heart had been answered. And the daughter breathed a sigh of relief and stood a little taller in the confidence that she was loved.
We rush to tell our kids what we think they want to hear. But I trust they can discern the truth all too well, and can read right through us. This story moved me deeply. And I know my own daughters bio mom did her best to care for them for a few months, and it is evident in their healthy attachment and sense of identity, I know it from the few stories I heard and stored in my heart, I’m sure they will also wonder.
One first step I did was to start praying for her with my eldest daughter when she was 6. It was incredibly freeing and it infused our heart with love and warmth towards her, despite her possible feelings or actions in the past. May we continue on this journey of love and freedom.