If I were tired and overstimulated, I would interpret defiance as stubborn disobedience and pointless opposition. What a difference a calm heart and mind can make in the approach to normal day to day new challenges.
Saturday I attended a moms’ group and I was reminded of the power of prayer in keeping one’s patience with the kids. Sure, we will be challenged and tempted to loose our cool, to reset boundaries with a harsh tone, or to feel used and unappreciated. But an honest prayer for strength and patience for wisdom and discernment, God won’t leave that prayer unanswered. We are invited to keep trying on the good path to do the right thing.
If it’s hard or we meet resistance, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. We all know that we get sore muscles when we exercise, or it hurts when we first start running. I’m very familiar with the resistance of my body to work, mental and physical and why not spiritual. So I couldn’t quite understand the purpose of that saying, “if it’s hard it doesn’t mean it’s wrong”.
But when it comes to disciplining our kids, or trying to convince them to do things that are good for them, or to teach them, it does feel like we’re doing it wrong and we should stop and try a different approach or the opposite direction. But our kids are not a screw cap or a bolt. Have you ever tried to unscrew something in the wrong direction? You only make it tighter.
But this weekend I have faced the harshest reality of trying to be a good parent and it backfiring and making me want to let go and go with the flow. But in the long run it will undo us all.
My eldest has had a contrary attitude all weekend, after we accommodated her preferences and social engagements on Friday, going above and beyond. She went rollerskating and then had a date with a friend at Panemar. Saturday she did not want to go to a kid’s birthday party. She was so adamant about getting out of it, trying every trick up her sleeve. She came with us and it was better than we all anticipated. But she wouldn’t admit it. Then Sunday she tried to get out of going to church. She explained to me why she doesn’t like it, and is Sunday school and she doesn’t want school work on Sundays. She doesn’t have friends there and it’s boring and they do speeches and complained about church all morning.
I can feel anxiety rise in my gut as I prepare to bring up getting ready for church. I do anticipate the push back and even this time conrad said: get ready, we leave in half an hour, they circumvented him and tried to convince me to stay home. We’ve had this discussion and before we ended it with me raising my voice to let them know I mean business. But that is not a good way to start Sunday morning. It is a common problem with people having fights on their way to church but that is not a trend I want to start.
Sunday went smoothy afterwards. Church was fine. Sunday school was fine.
Meanwhile, what preteen girls would prefer is going to restaurant / pizza together, and then go shopping for make up at the mall. Also, walking around the mall window-shopping, daydreaming wasting time, spending money on boba tea, taking selfies with pursed lips, and I don’t want to encourage any of this.
We parents make the mistake of letting our kids go to the mall to be included, to have a social life, but I woke up realizing this week that I am willing to pay the price and be the bad guy, saying no to mall-rat practice. I have a small window of exerting this power of influence. And offering alternatives guarantees the success. For now.
We are not the only ones fighting this battle. We’ve let Jackie at the mall and she was the one initiating the mall experience among her colleagues. She is very selective about her friends and yet she feels left out if she is not included in such outings.
Parents become a bit overly worried and sensitive about their kids being left out. I know I worry abut my kids feeling overly lonely. But no matter how included they are, rejection from certain groups is part of growing up. A way to not experience the sting of rejection is keeping close to a group with strong values and morals. I know others have had different experience, but I was welcomed, even on the edge of the group, I felt included enough, in youth groups at church. Everyone belongs. Nobody is made fun of and nobody is intentionally excluded. I can’t speak for any other groups: school, neighborhood, etc. Clicks will happen, preferences or selective friendship will take place the large group settings, even though it would be possible to be friendly to all. To be inclusive. It takes awareness and work.
Parents can feel helpless as you can’t force friendships on kids. And then when they are rejected, we can’t join fully the banter and depression and calling everyone an enemy. But then ew can’t be completely disconnected from how they actually feel. So finding that balance is tightly connected to how our kids feel, whatever else just happened, what conversation we just had.
I know I preach a lot. I know I bring up the proverbs, and the Bible, I share my stories, and I listen. But I can’t help but spiritualize everything, and calling out the Truth, and inviting forgiveness, and humility and freedom to love others without expecting anything in return. If you also focus on helping others feel included, you will never ever feel like an outsider. Because your focus is not inward but on how you can include others.
The pity party, loneliness and boredom and the fruit of an idle mind, an idle heart.