The last few weeks, maybe months, I have felt disconnected. Though I function in society, I am connected to people, I serve, I enjoy life, I live, at a deeper level I have felt unsure, a bit cautious, and disconnected. What if I’m completely off tracks?
I wrote a piece to break the ice, for a blogging group. To review. To add to the posts to publish over time. A few days past. And my vulnerable writing made me feel exposed and alone. Even with this blog, I sometimes want to have it unpublished, to let my soul rest in anonymity.
How can I use this gift when I feel so inadequate? And this in the Eve of wanting to start a podcast. People are hungry for words, stories that move, vulnerability. But as we have shared out souls freely, they come at a cost. We don’t churn stories by the bucket 🪣 at will. We are moved by the context, inspiration is not in our control.
On Friday I host a group of women in my neighborhood, as I volunteered to serve in MOPS. I like to gather people, which is strange for an introvert. I think I go through seasons. Lately I had wished to hide and recharge, but I had no space, no time.
I’m also speaking in Polylogos. I had just hosted an online introduction to feedback. Next week I’m part of planning the summit for adoptive families in September. Meanwhile we’ll host an event for second mothers in our city. Life is full. And war is at our doorstep. We volunteered to host and feed families in transit and in need.
my husband stopped by our neighbor to share some spicy pepper seeds, and thus my oldest friend came by, and I felt encouraged beyond words to talk about the challenges of parenting.
Maybe I’m not as disconnected as I thought. One old friend was all I needed to remember who I am. And we didn’t talk about anything out of the ordinary.
I long to be alone with my thoughts.
But meanwhile I hope I can serve well and fulfill my commitments with joy, presence, honesty. The beauty of my relatively long life so far is that I did not bring a whole lot to the table but God made the best of me and the little I had to put forth in service. I’m in awe of how many friendships he’s blessed me with, all over the world. I’m of no consequence, I have no influence, I have nothing to give but my simple self.