I restarted the book “parenting with presence”. I enjoyed it so much and read it too fast the first time around.
I am now taking my time. Conrad is reading it for the first time in english, and we are both at chapter two. It tells stories and examples of other families and kids… and it just clicks. I strive to be the captain of my ship, but in all honesty, we both have moments and contexts when we fall into being the lawyer or the dictator.
Do you ever hear yourself justifying your decisions to your kid? I used to think that we give ample explanations as to why something is not allowed, or something else needs to be done. As the kids says “No!” to something that they routinely have to do, like take a nap, or come home with you after a long day in the park, or come home from grandparents or playing outside because the sun already set… When you plead with them, and you feel your patience drain out of you like a broken pot. Well, then you are not a captain. You are a lawyer, which can transform quickly into dictatorship. That’s a different thing though. When we are afraid to set limits, and we let things go to far, and then snap into consequences or threats, that’s dictatorship, and none have good, long term effects on our parenting skills and connection.
Sometimes I wish I could hit reset. I worry about the patterns that we enabled. But kids adapt so easy and fast to healthy patterns. We just need to be consistent.
The title of this blog sits written on my mind with clarity. It gives me a better understanding of how I could be better and do better.
A good captain of a ship is composed, calm, trustworthy. Doesn’t worry about how he is perceived, nor does he alter his decisions based on his crew’s emotional defiance or pleading. With kindness and strength he pushes forward and knows what needs to be done. Knows. What if we don’t know for sure? Well, we learn. Purposefully. And adequately. It is a dangerous business to allow our ship to be guided by the emotions of our kids, that’s not to say that we don’t take them into account.
What have I been doing, unconsciously. Asking J to do something, and then asking “OK?”. I thought I am giving her a sense of decision power. But if I am honest, the circumstances when I would inform her as to what is needed, I wouldn’t really give her an option. We need sit down for a meal. We have to get dressed to go to kindergarten. We need to leave the park and go home. On the other hand, there are circumstances when she truly could have a choice. So why not be clear about it? Would the captain of a ship negotiate with his crew about what needs to be done? I tried it last night. I stoped myself from automatically ending my requests with “OK?”. “It’s time to go to bed.” Friendly, calm, firm. No explanations. No supporting arguments. She didn’t have an open door to debate me. It was easier. I’m sure she will catch on… but in the mean time, I am grateful for good books. Clear books. Wise books. Not everything I read I apply, but in this instance, I see immediate results. I thought I knew well how to be a good enough parents. But good enough parents continue to grow every day. That’s what makes them good enough.