I trip over my words. My mind doesn’t work quite so smoothly. I misremembered a kid’s name as I talked to the mom, and when I’m called upon to share something I can hear crickets in my head.
I must document this stage as I do think it’s temporary. This is not who I am. I have been shy before, I have been quiet, but this awkwardness I try to distance myself from, it’s surreal. I ramble if I speak, and there are thoughts from outer body that question my worth and my cool.
When I prayed, because I took my sweet time for my turn, my mind started to wander.
I mean, at home I’m pretty coherent, I’m clear and calm and confident. But in public, the harder I try, the less I feel like myself, and the more mistakes I make. But who qualifies my quirks as mistakes? When did I stop owning my own weird style?
My whitening hair makes me self-conscious.
When I am annoyed with people I worry that they are actually annoyed with me. I do project my own insecurities and discomfort.
I have made a decision to be kind, be honest, and see the best in people. When I assume positive intent I don’t quite care how others perceive me. But I do miss surrounding myself with kind people who see the best in me. This bringing out the best.
I believe this is the struggle for teenagers. And our kind view of them, us enjoying their company, smiling, affirming, cutting back on correcting words, yet speaking with honesty, hopefully they hear us.
I feel that my kids’ insecurities rub off on me, and that is not a leader’s luxury.
Oh, I want to lean into the awkward. I want to be honest and kind.
It’s been too long of me trying to please people and it backfired.
I hope I have another chance. To start over. To clear the brain fog.
A well worded message has always worked to wash the sins. I feel I exist when I can express myself in coherent soulful words