August roller coaster

I wonder if it’s just how August goes…

Last night I read this blog post and I found myself in it; This year has been different: http://katiedavis.amazima.org

I have been preparing for the next chapter, and willingly or unwillingly, I have had to work on the inside, on things that didn’t use to be a bother before. For example, I get so irritated at Conrad’s sarcasm, and small things turn into dramas. This is how he deals with ridiculous things, or the absurdities of this society; most of the time it is a good comic release, but when we are both on edge it’s like gasoline and fire.

We also seem to go through some personality growth spurts… we are stubborn, and opinionated and our egos are larger than life. I can’t help but think of how wonderful life was as a single independent woman. We’ve been married for 9 years, and we have always gotten along smoothly. We seem to have the same mindset and expectations, the way we always made decisions, the way we listened and valued the other person’s input… that’s it! Listed and valued the other person’s opinion. The natural tendency is to plow through daily decisions and try to have our way – from the moment we even address the smallest things. I come to realize that the bliss in our marriage so far, and ease of communication is an undeserved gift. We did nothing special to have such smooth sailing.

As we discuss yet again the same miscommunication issue, I remember a thing I just read in a parenting book. Children. Our generation had no say in any decision: what we wore, what we ate, where we went. Nothing. The adults in general were all powerful. We were dragged from here to there, and learned to shut it. As an adult, there is little I can do about my past, but we can definitely influence our present and the next generation. It is more time consuming to explain and persuade a child to agree to your adult good decisions, but I will try my best to improve on that account. If it can get that hard in trying to convince an adult with good communication skills and reason, I am sure we will have a a filed day with a child…

Also, when emotions run rampant, I am just now appreciating even more Conrad’s ability to just hold me and kiss my tears away. Trying to process and solve emotions in isolation, is a slippery slope. There is a time to sit in silence alone, but there is a time to be held and loved despite the unpleasant tears.

So we are learning. One lesson at the time – revisiting old wounds, old habits, old self, and try to make decisions about how we want to be as parents. Some we’ll forget again, but others will be fresher in our hearts and minds.

— a day later —

like a squeegee, wiping away all tense emotions, the moment I managed to pinpoint them, to lay them all out; I am not the pms-ing type, but this month I seem to have been immersed in it fully, crying over board games and over spilt milk.

My selective memory surprises me as well. As a child my dad always explained why we need to do this or that, in detail, over an over, relentlessly. As far back as I can remember, I always cooperated because he treated me with regard as a little but important person. And mama, even when I cried unconsolably, I remember clearly her holding me in her arms lovingly and appeasingly, with an apparent endless patience. Not all adults in my life were so willing to see or hear me. And not always my parents were rested and their patience was limited.