The more time I spend reading the Bible, the easier it becomes to discern God’s voice. Yet I don’t do it enough. I get distracted like a little child, enjoying the scenery, enjoying the simplicity of life. And maybe, in the grand scheme of things, that’s not a bad thing either. 

So, I was laying in bed the other night, after pouring over Proverbs and Psalms, I got this clear sense of God asking:

“Am I still a good God even if?… even if I don’t bring your youngest daughter home this week, this month? Even if I don’t respond to your prayer the way you expect me to?

Even if… “Am I still a good God to you? Do you still trust Me?” And my heart melted into Yes. And I felt His presence. His presence is enough. 

A song that was sang in church at PBCC the weekend after we found out about Conrad’s cancer and the fact that we can’t have kids “You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name” rings vivid in my heart. There is no safer and better place than in God’s company. No matter my wishes, no matter my desires. His presence is enough. 

I’ve been praying for God’s miraculous interventions. Which I know and believe He is capable of. But these days, while reading the Word and praying a lot, I felt God stir me deeper, more intensely. I would awake at night and feel compelled to pray.  But though I would sit in His presence I wouldn’t properly know how to listen. So I asked Him. To teach me. To guide me. To grant me wisdom and understanding.

Then as clear as day I would feel compelled to take action, action that doesn’t come natural to me. Calling people, reaching out to directors not knowing what exactly I would say. 

Stirring the waters, challenging the status quo, speaking up, causing discomfort in complacency. And feeling at peace even after being rebuked for being so daring. Guided by the spirit. My mind would fill with courage and clarity. Not being afraid, while being aware of the disturbance. 

I got this sense of going where we are called. Like Esther “what if for a time like this we are here.” It is not my way, but it’s God’s way. I pray for wisdom. Dear God, show me what you want us to do. Teach us. Guide our steps, our hands, our voices.