Ivy invites me every evening to reflect on the day and pray with them. When Jackie said she doest feel like praying, my heart aches. She is not grumpy, or moody, or tired. Her mind is elsewhere. And after I call her out on her recurring attitude, she said she doesn’t know how to talk to God out loud, I tell her to figure it out. Because we’ve been talking to God out laud for a decade. I told her I loved her and left the room. Ivy was already sleeping after a long week of VBS.
I did too good of a job building my daughter up. Reassuring her, paving the way, filling her mind with the truth. She is stubborn, clear headed, confident.
But as we talk about matters of the heart, she is distant and cold. I bet to a degree she feels unsure, or confuse. But she comes across as stoic.
This year we talked about choosing God personally. I cant choose him for them. I told them about him, I lead by example. Yesterday when I was talking in the evening wth Jackie, after I prayed with ivy, I had this revelation. And I told Jackie. I have this beloved friend. Jesus. The Lord. God. He goes by many names. I know him well. I studied him my whole life and continue to do so. I tell them about his wonders and enthusiastically share my love and awe for him. It’s easy to fall in love with him just listening to my stories. But Jackie is satisfied listening on the sideline. She prays but is less and less heartfelt. She informs him about her life, reports and asks for things. But it’s dry. And I know I judge the timing – the present cant be controlled. I cant control her heart. And I don’t want to.
I see her questions and I answer them.. and I don’t let her wrestle with her fears or loneliness. I point her into the right direction. It turns out our too good of a relationship is a hindrance in her pursuit of God. If I interpret everything for her she feels no need to see him for herself.
My hear aches to realize that doing too good of a job as a parent hinders their heart breaking in His presence and feeling the healing from Him.
There is time, one could say, but I also need to back off and not give all the answers to the questions of the heart anymore.
It was difficult only at times when they were little, to let them struggle and actually grow. It’s the same principle I’ll have to apply. Point her discreetly to the right direction and back off a lot more. I have talked all the words and it’s tome to be more quit. And let fewer words sink in slowly. I allowed her to rest, to not do things she doesn’t want to but I think it’s time to set clear boundaries and keep them. Reading even if she doesn’t feel like it. Math homework to bible reading. Stretches and house chores. She is very relaxed and well cared for.
I am praying now faithfully that the God she knows at an intellectual level, to come down from her brain into her heart. I pray she will meet God personally. And she will know the wonders of his company and the impact of his presence. May his complex size taking room in her brain will expand her heart and not only fot there but enlarge her heart. If there is anything I hope for her is this: that she will meet God in a personal way. And He will be her first hand best friend – not a second hand relationship through me.
And in all this, I see ivy struggling but then I don’t make the same mistakes with her. Again she is like me, observing and loving God with ease and strength and clarity, even before her mind was filled with information. May knowledge and overconfidence not keep Jackie away from the wonder of the Creator.
Just like the message I sent to a history of Christian profesor who said he would choose a different career path if he started again in life, as his mind is filled with facts and doubts as he sees too clearly the mistakes of christianity over the course of history, I have the same wish for my daughter:
“You have always presented with objectivity & kindness your discoveries & conclusions. I loved your openness to listen and the charity with which you shared your opinions. May your brilliant mind make room for the unknown, to sit in the unexplainable, to delight in wonder & awe, just to taste the childlike joy of trust & belief.
What a paradoxical liminal space: to know more than most and yet accept the challenge to be like kid in order to enter the kingdom.”