You are prickly when you feel that others expect or demand more of you than you are willing to give. It’s a defense mechanism – a gut reaction. And surprise-surprise: it’s healthy. If you would tone it down before you figure out why you feel this way, you may miss out on an important lesson or a layer of protection.
I asked you if you expect K. to have fully formed thoughts and act in a mature way. After realizing my question, you smiled and said yes. Yes, you forget he is also a kid figuring out what he wants and who he is. And while he gives you space and asks good questions, so do you – and this is why half a year later you are still together talking daily. He doesn’t give up easily, and neither do you.
But as he gets too easily attached, raw emotional, expresive, vulnerable, authentic, sometimes you back away. And it comes off as rejection to him maybe. But you are going through a self preservation process. You don’t understand why he reacts emotionally, because you’ve only had us as reference points and we have always been steady. But we are adults. And he and you are just becoming adults. You cant rely on each other for that adult steadiness.
Mom and dad went to Germany after two weeks with us. We miss them already. We’ll talk about them more later.
During this time you and him had plenty time for dates and talks, but fear would grip both of you, him that you would get bored and annoyed with him, you would be afraid that he will eventually replace you… and thus conversations would derail for no good reason. But soon you clarify in a very mature way.
He is now at a christian camp. Because you asked clearly, he made an effort to not dump on you his unfiltered emotions, his anxiety, loneliness, desire for your company, and tried to be present there. What a different experience! You have encouraged him always to enjoy where he is, to not look back and think of you more than necessary. And you promised to have fun where you are, even if with the family or just at home. It’s not betrayal to enjoy where you are.
We were just talking about identity and how you and him should first define your identity in christ. And then all other relationship, including family, including romance, school, neighborhood etc. I know for you it is easy to give him space, it’s just that he misinterprets your grace as detachment.
But at this camp he had an amazing encounter – an evening talking about identity as well, and how christ should be the main source of meaning and to put God first. Wonderful timing, if you ask me. Because as we have been having these conversations about faith about our personal relationships with God. Identity, need for salvation, priorities… he is also going through the same process of understanding his life and how you fit in it.
You have softened with him… and I think there is hope for yet another amazing season. Of you feeling free to be yourself and not worry that his wellbeing is dependent on you. What pressure this could be for a couple. You are not the savior for the other. You have a shared faith, and you both seek God and pursue Him first, and then there is room for the relationship as well, always brought into the light, inviting God to be part of it.
Sometimes taking about faith can seem fake, awkward, unnatural… but as you both pursue the Truth, figuring out your identity in Christ, building a foundation of faith, conversations don’t feel weird anymore.
We were talking just now about how we are all wired differently. Some experience faith in a very emotional way. For others it cerebral. We are engineers, and painters, and biologists, physicians, doctors, nurses, bakers, musicians … every type of personality experiences God through their unique lens. And we should’t compare someone’s emotions to our very cerebral ways of relating to God. It just ought to be honest. And real in how God wired is to function. This is a beautiful season of self-discovery, of grace, of reflection, of listening to God during emotional storms or peace, of dwelling on his Word day and night, trying to understand trying to listen. We each have our own path – and God calls us all to Him. May we respond eagerly.