Letting your kid burn through the stages of first romance is fascinating and gut-wrenching. But I remind myself that this is part of the learning process and her path is different than mine, and just as necessary for her.
When young kids like each other they still have the freedom to express themselves, to discover their preferences and act in unpolished ways so they can find their bearings. And I find that necessary. Part of the process. When they polish their words and actions before time, a dangerous patern of making oneself small to accommodate the other emerges. Or the more dangerous aspect of manipulation can occur.
I recognize that while texting they jumped ahead in a few stages of closeness. And it didn’t fit the reality. They are both too shy to act as freely in person, with other kids around and say things that would make it evident that they like each other.
As j. pulled back, having been called by k. that she appears to like him in texts more than in reality, while I commend him for this intuitive reflection and verbalization of what he observed, it made J. to pull back and try to equalize the way she felt in writing and reality.
I think they like the idea of the other, and they don’t want to peg themselves in a whole. To have the room to pull back, and to continue to feel excited by the chase. All the while focusing on school and reading and self development. It is not easy to be a teen. It never was.
I remind J that while she is young and inexperienced, HE is also young and inexperienced and she should not expect him to know what to say and how to act except guided by his values and healthy instinct … and so is she.
But while she enjoyed him asking her politely if he could join her for a walk and talk with her, he has not taken such risks lately and let her wait for him and this caused slight frustrations. She is also stubborn and strong and able to hold off for way too long. If he is expecting her to initiate, he will be disappointed.
Last night after she met with him and chatted with him for a bit, she asked me to go for a walk with Rufus and her. Earlier he was on his bike running circles and waiting for her, as he’s been doing lately, (she doesn’t like it but she won’t tell him yet – one can’t have a proper conversation that way and she wants him to get it). I thought he had left and that’s why she asked me to join her… but she wanted a wing person. But this poor boy is too shy to meet the parents yet. So he just biked ahead and farther ahead. And my sassy daughter just enjoyed seeing him from afar and let him see her from afar as well.
I asked her if she really likes him and what she likes about him. And if it’s only to play with his heart, to let him be, release him already. She wasn’t ready then. But today she said she feels bored. I don’t know what exactly she means, but I guess she will figure it out. He has been talking about his hobbies and cars and his shopping but she mostly listened and offered input and tagged along. She would not bore him with her life and choices … though I think this is how he hoped to strengthen the link between them. When he traveled and went shopping he sent her pictures of his new shoes and the animals at the aquarium, and his gaming and biking… and she offers nothing. I wonder if she waits to be invited to share or it’s a natural defense mechanism – she doesn’t feel inclined to share such personal details with anyone.
As we chat I offer my perspective and she ponders it and still does what she feels inclined to do.
While I know what he would like, as he expressed it in his actions, if she is not ready to share, then that’s a sign in itself. Not there yet. Not him maybe. Not now.
One shouldn’t force the feelings and the fact that I know the roadmap or I understand what is happening by watching and listening …it is not my place to interfere. The chips must fall where they may.
But as she said she is bored… I felt the dull ache of anticipating heartbreak. Maybe it’s gentle and maybe they will be in agreement …but after a year or maybe two of admiring each other from afar, getting closer only clarified her feelings. Maybe that’s good. Maybe that’s early. But the few rules I set in place for this experiment: be kind, don’t intentionally play with his heart, be honest with yourself and him.
After years of watching my friends miss the start in trying out relationships, I have to let her find her pace, her voice, her boundaries, understand relationships and take risks.
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They just took the conversation to a new level, when she said “I think I know you better than you know me” and invited him to ask her anything. He dared and asked a few amazing questions- incredibly thoughtful and sensitive to her story, like: “How was your childhood before you were adopted and What makes you happy?” She answered with honesty and simplicity and I find their friendship development like a spring fragrant breeze.