So many trains of thought rushing through my mind. A constant buzz. Overlapping. Competing.
I know the joy of peace through meditation – not easily attained. As a kind when praying my mind would easily wanter and I would struggle to bring it back into the one activity of prayer. Little did I know that this practice is the hardest even as an adult. Especially for adults.
But the less we try, the more clogged the mind becomes. I am in this pickle of mental exhaustion because I haven’t practiced any kind of good meditation, but at night when im restless if I start praying, my whole body relaxes beyond recognition. Praying for others, praying and worshipping in my heart the creator. Silent and slowly settling into a good sense of peace.
But I don’t know how to do that during the day, when everything overlaps, questions schedule, demands, food to be bought and cooked, kids to be prepared for school, helped with homework, drives to and from, appointments to the dentist, for the car, registration, recalls, tax declaration, bills to pay… the idea of undertaking a trip into the desert like Jesus, that seems frivolous and impossible. Like, if he had kids would he have gone to be alone and comune with God for 40 days while his kids needed him at home?
Why 40 days? A weeks wasn’t enough?
No wonder a day of doing a little less doesn’t seem enough.
Today is the second day in a month that I don’t drive the kids to school but my neighbor is driving them. Over coffee I was interrupted in my train of thought by conrad’s reflection or questions or input. Whatever he is writing or reading and then Ivy needed to get ready and got me to walk up the stairs multiple times because her ride was a little late or she just decided to go out there early. And as I write this now, Rufus is whining because he needs to go out. His bladder is full. And I wish through these words because in the back of my ind Rufus needs his walk, the fish need to be fed, I need to get dressed and in a couple of hours I will be in traffic with Jackie who has early classes though she goes to school as a second shift.
I forget things. It’s getting worse. I pick up my hone to look for something and I forget what. I get up to do something and I forget what. This is why I do things right away, rot free my mind of trying to remeber to do something. It’s the present time or never.
The adrenaline or the rush of joy due to accomplishing something are less so I could feel for real how dire my situation is. I’m holding on to a thread. My mind is cautious with noise and exhaustion. Too many things going on at the same time. And Rufus is still whining slowly. So I must go and take him to relieve himself. Maybe the walk will be good for my mind.