For a parent it takes a lot of practice to step back and let the kids become responsible for themselves. Let them make mistakes if you already warned them or gave them the advice needed.
This week the music teacher told them that of any of them plays any instrument to bring it to school and he will give them a top mark for this semester if they play it. She was excited at first and then, the next day she said she doesn’t care and won’t bring it because it doesn’t matter. My first gut reaction was “this is a great opportunity to show your talents. He opened the door to you performing.” But as I realized I am more motivated than she is I stopped mid sentence and said: “do as you wish. I can’t be the engine or want you to play more than you want to do so. I can tell you how I see things but you don’t have to play the clarinet.” She was taken aback. I admit it was a bit of reverse psychology. Because right away she went and packed it and said she will play the clarinet that day at school.
The teacher was impressed. He asked her to play 5 times. He loved the way she sounds. She is really good. Very melodious and crisp and great. The teacher paid her some great compliments. He taught clarinet and said none of his students sounds as great as she does. The confidence boost in Jackie was undeniable. We were chatting afterwards and I said: “you have been quietly growing your knowledge and skills and talents – and at school you don’t brag or show off. it is even more powerful when out of nowhere you show up with brilliant ideas and abilities.” Most colleagues want to show off, get ahead, be on the teacher’s radar. Not Jackie. She quietly builds up her abilities and I think when her times come to shine, she is absolutely briliant.
I see myself in her. I was very unassuming as a student. My confidence was not reliant on the teachers or colleagues approval. And when my time came I went on to do great things in life. Lead well, speak with eloquence, take difficult stances, be brave. At home we often do things that are countercultural. They are not trendy. They are difficult if you want to be like everyone else. We are not. But this is how the muscle of swimming against the current is made stronger.
Jackie was off her phone all summer. We canceled the whatsapp a year ago because it was not good for her mental health. And it paid off. One can grow strong and wise and confident far away from the drama on the school group chat. We can guide our kids in the right direction while there is still time. My relationship with jackie is the best it has ever been and we enjoy each other’s company and she tells me things and I tel her things in return. She trusts me and I have reason to trust her. I tell her no and I disappoint her and she tells me no too. But as I hear about the drama at school I am glad I can be on the same page as her and she is more insulated from the fickle opinions of colleagues and surrounds herself with this layer of protection that my opinion offers, and my counsel and my prayers.
A year ago she drove me crazy and I couldn’t imagine living like that with her for another decade. Parents can feel trapped in an abusive relationship where kids are the abusers who take and take and treat the parents like crap – and parents have no words or wisdom to set boundaries. I willingly give and create thriving environments for my kids but a loving attitude is to also challenge them to grow and be responsible. Dying to self is not becoming a door mat for the kids. And as a christian parent I worry that many fellow parents misunderstand the notion of parenting as leaders and a Trail Blazers, with patience and clarity and correction and pushback at times.