I guess that’s what the healthy human brain does, it improves the memories, it beautifies them, lightens them up. But writing down the truth with its uglier side has been the most helpful when looking back.
We have had yet another parenting class. It was spot on. Perfect timing really. But just as I sit down to write my honest take aways, my personal lessons, I draw a blank.
The “scary music” used to be the predictable tears before taking s bath or taking medicine. Now it’s the defiance. She says “no” (to something I see as obvious easy obedience) and it makes me angry. And I raise my voice. And observing my emotions in a detached past time, I realize getting angry is a way of loosing control of my emotions. Anger and fear are natural responses. That are not learned. They are raw and rooted in our own past.
I use phrases my parens used which I had long forgotten for decades. “Listen to my positive guidance (aka) Don’t push me over the edge and get a rise out of me”
I was talking to a new mom, whose husband went on a scholarship mission, just as their 3.5 year old son moved in full time. She said it is terribly hard. And looking back, I told her that adrenaline kicked in and only now after reaching a rhythm of life I realize how hard it has been. It is good to observe this in hindsight. My saving grace was going swimming during her day naps. Pulling away from her was close to impossible and I felt drained, sucked dry, I feel like I don’t belong to myself anymore. I being to another person via responsibility. Staying in the house didn’t let my brain relax. She was in the other room, awaken-able at any point… and that imminence stressed me. Leaving the house for an hour was structured, well-defined heaven.
Being a good parents means to respond to your child needs whenever possible, and when it’s not possible take control. You don’t have to be a perfect parents, but a good enough parent for your child. The encouraging statistic says that if you respond well 30% to your child’s emotional needs, you are doing a fine job. Don’t get stuck in guilt. Do better next time. Detach yourself and see where you responded, disciplined, reacted and discuss it with someone (your spouse) and then from the desire to respond to your child needs a secure attachment is formed.
A good parent is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. There is an easy tendency to be too big and strong in the detriment of kindness and that takes you into the mean extreme. On the other hand, if you excess in kindness, without remembering that you are bigger and stronger, you will tend to be weak. Unwise in either circumstance, being ruled by fear …the fear of natural consequences, that you won’t be able to handle your child’s emotions, you won’t know how to respond, that your child won’t love you anymore of you are firm. There is a balance to seek, and it is not a finite balance, is a balance that needs constant tuning, using the tools and lessons learned thus far. With the help of our spouse and trusted adults who can offer feedback or support.
I have the tendency to pull away, to remain independent, and I am making a constant effort, ever since deciding to adopt, to stay put. To stay available loving, responsive, to serve this little girl with everything I can. In the same breath I have clearly defined my limits (human and energy and boundaries) and try to take good care of myself in order to take care of our daughter. I even used this reasoning outlaid with her in my first reasoning to putting her to bed early, and spend time with daddy.