We long for words of affirmation from God, from a trusted leader. Chatting with Joana this thanksgiving we realized we have a driven personality in common. This year we worked hard and then harder, longing for someone to reassure our worth and value and contribution. 

I was in the mountains on a retreat with amazing women. It was a treat to be away from home, just us the ladies. But I arrived there completely and utterly spent. I couldn’t shake off the sadness, the exhaustion. I laugh now when I say I hadn’t had the time for a good cry. I felt I was on the verge of tears but I had to swallow them up and go solve some issues, answer questions, make some calls. 

In the mountains, the contrast between how I felt and the mood of the crowd broke me. Everyone was in celebrating mode. And I was in mourning. I was lamenting the loss of joy. 

I went to bed early and I cried. I cried to God, pleading for mercy. I asked him to take me. I couldn’t breathe I felt so overwhelmed. As the words formed on my salty tearful lips,  I awoke. It was an honest plea. And it helped me face my limitation. I pleaded with God to speak to me clearly. I was tired of feeling lonely in the journey. I was so busy doing that I had lost touch with being present with God. Feeling His presence and delight. Because I wasn’t present not my heart would find any delight. I had this vision suddenly. If I were to meet God then and there. If he listened to my plea and take me. If the world would end and nobody would miss me, what would I have to show for my life. For the first time in decades I felt I had only wind and smoke. Nothing to show but a busy body. I felt god telling me all my agitation and service and hard work, it is nothing he asked of me. He asked only for my heart to delight in him. Love Him, serve him but not get so lost in being busy as to lose sight of Him. 

I repented. Oh, sweet honest repentance. If we don’t acknowledge our sin we can’t repent. And then sweet relief. Sweet sweet freedom in making silence in our busy heads to seek God, to seek his company. 

In my inadequacy I tried to do more and more, the more I did the less I delighted in God. All great things but if they are not with God, they are for nothing. 

Well done, good and faithful daughter. At the end of the race, I pray I will have loved well, and served well, and set a good example for my daughters. May God delight in me and I in Him. I’m halfway through life. May I never lose hope, courage, vision. May this life I live be a sweet fragrance around me.