Unfamiliar happiness

Letting yourself to feel joy can be uncomfortable at first. Ițm not sure what loyalty we start to have towards all the unpleasant feelings. Worry, sadness, regret. Happiness can feel too good to be true. We costed for a while. We allowed bits and pieces of joy to trickle in, through our busy schedule, but always with measure, just a little, so as to not get too comfortable with it. What a load of crap! We have kids. Happiness is a package deal with kids. They feed on joy. They thrive on happy. So why deprive ourselves of such feelings?

We’ve done all the activities, and throwing in more action doesn’t help necessarily. But choosing wisely, intentionally does. We have hosted hundreds of people in our home this year. And it was rich and enriching. And we up our game. And we grow and learn. But there is a time to reap and then to rest.

Yesterday we went to our older friends for a couple of hours. Despite my evident season of tiredness, this invitation felt warm and fuzzy. And it was. Our friends have kids as well. Around the age of our kids and younger. And they are sweet and engaged and attentive to others. They may be a handful for their parents but in the midsts of chaos they were delightful to my heart.

Conrad played with them, like he did in the old days with kids. Wrestling with the boys mostly. Ivy came to me and asked: “you said we might adopt a little boy someday. How were you thinking him to be like?” As if I can conjure him with my imagination and I have the power to do do. For the first time both girls saw the potential of a little boy. Our friends have three kids. And ivy asked if we could buy a boy too. Lol. My capitalist daughter. She knows there are two way to add kids to a family: give birth or adopt. But for some reason a boy we will acquire in a more practical efficient sure way.

The joy we experienced last night spilled into our morning. Playing on the floor, mingling with a young family who is attuned to others, with well adjusted kids, energetic but connected and respectful and funny. Ah, we need such friends in our lives. Friends who taste the hardship of life and smile anyway with tired but knowing eyes.

We snuggles and connected with our kids, we goofy, sang funny songs, didn’t rush the kids out the door, didn’t get frustrated they were slow, or that they didn’t pack a lunch last night. We kissed and hugged and it was Smooth on my inside as well. I often try to keep it together on the outside for their sake, even if I carry loads of worries, and it seeps if I’m knocked over by whatever inconvenience or delay or protest from them. I want to be intentional not just about what I help them feel but about how I feel too. Letting others help, helps tremendously. Someone else took the kids to school these last three days. Conrad twice, and my dad once. Having a slower morning was imperative. Taking it when it was offered was wise and is paying off. Ivy said: “I know you’ll read this morning. Are you having a potato day mommy?” I sure am. And by God’s grace I’m on my way to recovery, feeling my boundaries around me like a blind and dizzy person. The spinning stop and I can trace my limits again. I can say no sometimes. I have to say no sometimes. And then I can say yes to the things that matter and especially to joy within my family.