I was able to observe the evolution of my connection with Ivy, with a keen eye. I didn’t worry and I didn’t rush. I think I was just as cerebral with Jackie, but then I didn’t have a term of comparison. Also, nearly four years ago, we were told to enjoy this journey of coming together, let it progress naturally, and we heeded that advice.
Yesterday I left my phone in the bag. I didn’t want to document the day. I wanted to live it. And we had a break through.
I give credit to the foster mom who is amazingly adaptable and though she didn’t prepare Ivy at all before, she listened well and went above and beyond with inspiring trust and talking about the next step with our 3 year old.
No matter what we (as adoptive parents) do, we can’t force a child to trust us. That attachment transfer is a gift given by the foster family by verbalizing the trust, by using new terms and names, by talking with the child about joining our family.
After four days of observing me, scrutinizing me, on our last visit she picked up a book and gave to me to read. She sat on my lap and we had a very sweet connection. We’ve looked through pictures like that on the first day, but it wasn’t the same. Now she addressed me directly, she relaxed in my arms, she put her full weight on me.
Later she asked me do draw stuff, kissed me and said I’m her mommy, as I was lifting her up by her arms and she giggled. She kept saying “My mommy, my mommy, my mommy!” with each lift, looking me in the eyes and smiling.
Conrad had a delightful time as well. We all horsed around, rolled on the floor, chased each other, tickled and snuggled. The girls dragged Conrad’s arms, to go up in the room, to play. Jackie called on him by his daddy name. Ivy rushed to grab his hand and giggle and scream “my daddy, my daddy, my daddy!” Jackie took his other hand and said with relaxed old wisdom: “he’s your daddy and my daddy!” but ivy kept at it with “her daddy!” Jackie looked at me with a wise smirk and said: “she’s little. We let it slide.”
From the top of the stairs, after they sent him down to drink some water, they both called “our daddy, our daddy!” [Tati nost’!] come and play!
This was our forth visit, and she is starting to blossom. The foster mom says she is a lot more expressive as if she knows she is pursued, loved, wanted, liked.
All kids are beautiful in their parents’ eyes, but I believe the love of their parents brings out the beauty in each child. That unconditional love. Faith, patience, commitment…
Kids are the best readers of subtleties. We as adults are the ones responsible to set the tone, to encourage their connection and wait. Wait as long as it takes for them to take a leap of faith as well.
The foster mom is a woman of faith. She said the sweetest thing on our second visit. It is evident that she loves Ivy and thinks highly of her present abilities as well as potential. She said that God gives children according to their parents’ heart. And without knowing us too well, she believes that we are very good people.
We walk by faith. We love courageously and we weigh reality with a clear mind.