Giving feedback is easier said than done. Being honest and kind and ferm in the moment is one of the hardest things one can do – and it’s impossible without practice, or prior decision. Like a steady walk on a beam. You don’t happen to be on a bean and walk elegantly. You are purposeful and cautious and all your sense are in alert.
I pile onto my plate out of habit. And then I complain I am overwhelmed.
September is difficult and I don’t know what would make It not so.
Last year I could reflect during the month on what was going on and it was a lot. I was surprised to discover how similar this yeas was the transition into fall.
I haven’t had proper time to write in months. It’s Saturday and this time we woke up early, as if it was a school day. Two weeks makes a habit. All other days I would have paid money to sleep in.
I am loosing my edge. I am getting old. I am tired but I think I am wiser with repeat experiences.
Yesterday I thought to was a good day until tings turned downhill. For dramatic reason.
I will back up two weeks and paint the picture. Mom and dad had just left and I got an email from Brian, my friend and pastor about starting the weekly bible study on zoom. In that email he asked my husband if he would be so kind to print the spiraled booklets for the study. For the last 3-4 years I have printed them. Before printing them some else left them at the downtown office and asked me to pick them up. I ended up doing a lot of walking and distributing the sand booklets or mailing them. I combined that administrative work with trup to the hospital with my eldest for x-rays or kineto or whatever. Anyway, it was always in between appointments. And I always had a feeling of accomplishment.
My life got increasingly complicated and busy but these small responsibilities remained. And felt heavier and heavier. Last year conrad took over sending the files but he didn’t see the cover was missing. So when I went to pick them up the first page was color but didn’t look ok. As I sat there looking through the e-mails and found the cover I realized it was our mistake we didn’t send it. The ladies there were wildly busy (printing house for students in September) but they printed the 7 covers and opened the spirals and fixed the books. I then had to deliver them all to the respective attendees, in different cities or countries.
Cluj is a busy city during the school year. To take care of business you have to plan carefully where you will park if you go into town by car. There simply aren’t enough even paid parking spots.
When Brian emailed and I saw the note abut the books, though it was addressed to conrad, I felt a heavy pit in my stomach. No again. But I said nothing as it didn’t involve me. Two says later I asked Conrad if he saw Brian’s email. He hadn’t. He also doesn’t attend the study and the question would have been asked of me about the books.
So I mustard up the courage to say this:
“I asked Conrad if he saw your email. He didn’t. Maybe you used an old address of his that he doesn’t have access to anymore.
Alas, I would like to defer this responsibility to someone else. I end up doing it anyway, and I have no more bandwidth. It involves a few trip to town with no easy access to parking, so I walk long distances to and from. Then there is the postal service process, which is not as accessible or fun as in the states.
Mom & dad left yesterday, after a month of visiting. Kids started school and Ivy has classes in the morning and Jackie in the afternoon. And we are still finding our groove. Livia visited Romania last week so it will be a few months at least, till her next trip to Cluj. I personally can easily use the document in electronic format. Save a few trees. Anyway, I am sorry and I hope there is still grace for a daughter who says no.”
Brian responded with such grace and cc’d conrad to his email again.
One brilliant thing happened: Conrad stepped up. He reached out individually to those named to need a copy. Then he inquired in France about local printers so Livia could pick it up there so as to not have to mail anything. Shipping costs more than printing the whole book locally.
The sense of responsibility overwhelms my brain and I take over even when I don’t have to.
Conrad handleless it beautifully as I took a step back. But two days ago we were passing by the printer we used to print some books. Conrad wanted his most recent book to be printed. So we went in to inquire. As they showed him some samples conrad asked if the do spiral books. For bible study. It was an afterthought. They were eager for our business and since we haven’t printed with them before we decided to do so. One copy. Or two. Conrad was looking for the file in his email. And couldn’t find it. I found it faster and shows him the name. I wish to take back that moment. To pull myself out of that visit. But I can’t . I ended up sending the file and then they deferred the conversation to me regarding the pickup. We should have asked for a quote as well. I had sent the file with a specific request to have it black and white. Not color. When they texted the next day I was just picking ivy up and it was on my way to stop by and get the books. As it happens because I’m always driving. The internet signal in their office is slow so as I was waiting a bit to get the books when the lady came out and showed them to me I saw the first page blank. I asked her about the cover and she said there was none. Give our last experience with the cover I tried to look into my email but didn’t find it in time. My guard was down. I was not on alert. Not like last time at Daizler. She saw me with the phone and asked if I will pay with card. And I responded no, I’ll pay cash. Then She said that they printed it color since it had a few color pages since the difference in cost is insignificant. Then she tells me it’s 44 lei. It would have been 15 lei black and white but that’s ok. In my brain I had assumed that the difference is not more than double and that they made the decision without asking us. But she rushed me through the process that I just paid and left. With no front page and with paying a lot more for something I learned at home that we didn’t need. This weekend we will see Jim, one if the attendees who come from out of town for his granddaughter’s dedication. I thought it would be a nice surprise to hand him the book. But he responded (late) to conrad that he didn’t need it. I don’t remeber hearing about his response.
As I got home and the events of the day started to settle I felt pushed around, taken advantage of with decisions about a print, and a lack of profesionalism from the printer. The mistake of not printing the cover and charting me more for something I didn’t agree to pay. Conrad pointed out that I took over and stepped on his shoes with this job he was on. He explicitly took over as it’s his area of expertize. And he is right. I got myself in this trouble because I stepped up to take over when I didn’t need to. I cried and admitted my fault and my frustration. It wasn’t the difference ion a few dollars. It was the lack of clear communication and assumptions that we can pay and we don’t care about the cost. It is out of our pocket anyway. It always was. But it’s a small cost compared to all the things our friends did for us other times.
I had texted back in the thread that if they charged us for color paper I would have preferred to have the cover too. And it is the front and back first page is white and we were charged the color fee. And it looks silly.
This is a painful but memorable lesson to not take over. To let my husband take and keep the lead when he steps up and not undermine it with my timeline.